Parenting has become the focal point of my existence. It’s an all-consuming experience that recently drove me to seek therapy. Since welcoming my daughter into the world two years ago, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my upbringing was starkly different from the way I am raising my own child. While I don’t intend to compare, I’ve noticed significant dysfunction in my childhood that I now realize needs addressing. The variance in parenting approaches across generations is common, and it contributes to feelings of mom loneliness and that nagging mommy guilt.
My parents were just teenagers when they had my brother and me, a situation that was far from ideal. They weren’t emotionally prepared for parenthood. They worked hard to provide us with basic needs—shelter, clothing, and food—but they were also grappling with their own unresolved childhood issues. My father, an immigrant, had a violent father, while my mother grew up in poverty with an alcoholic parent.
In the days following my daughter’s birth, I found myself reflecting on the sacrifices my parents made. However, these sacrifices were often overshadowed by resentment—toward each other and toward my brother and me. This resentment manifested in my father’s infidelities and aggression, and my mother’s passive aggression. If you asked them, they would insist that they worked tirelessly to give us better lives than they had.
As I began to recognize the dysfunction in my own upbringing, I became increasingly protective of my child, which led to trust issues. I distanced myself from friends and hesitated to leave my daughter with babysitters, overwhelmed by the desire to do everything “right.” The challenge was that I had no clear understanding of what “right” meant; I was left to figure it out based on instinct, internet advice, and recommendations from fellow parents.
Visiting my parents with my daughter revealed uncomfortable moments that shed light on their parenting style. For instance, my father expressed doubt about my daughter’s intelligence, saying, “What if she isn’t smart?” His reaction confused me because I already believed she was clever. Another incident involved my mother jokingly holding my baby over her head, instructing her to tell me to “shut up.” These interactions made it clear that respect was lacking in our household, which contributed to the issues I faced in my relationship with my parents.
Years before my daughter was born, I had moved across the country to launch my career. I found employment at a nonprofit focused on anti-violence advocacy, where I learned about the impacts of abuse on children. This background helped me understand healthy relationships and build confidence, which became crucial when I became a parent. However, once I was home alone with my daughter, my unresolved childhood issues resurfaced, leading to feelings of anger and toxicity.
I was the first among my friends to enter parenthood, and I kept my struggles private to avoid alarming them. My daughter’s sleep schedule was erratic, further isolating me from other moms. I soon realized that many parents face their own challenges, whether it be an absent partner, health concerns, or postpartum depression. This shared struggle only heightened my feelings of loneliness and guilt.
Seeking help through therapy allowed me to process my past and rebuild my self-esteem. I learned from a therapist that many women discover the importance of friendships during motherhood. As I began to connect with new mom friends, I recognized that we all navigate the complexities of parenting together, often in the wake of our own traumas.
Every parent strives to provide a better life for their children. For my parents, it meant working hard to escape poverty; for my grandparents, it involved moving to a new country to escape war; and for my mother’s mother, it was about leaving an abusive marriage to ensure safety for her children. While I don’t harbor resentment for how my parents raised me, I acknowledge the healing I must undertake to nurture my own confidence and manage my anxieties. This way, I can be the loving parent I aspire to be, ensuring my daughter won’t face the same struggles I did.
In essence, parenting is a journey filled with overwhelming love and inevitable mistakes. I am committed to ensuring my child feels cherished and respected, fostering an environment where she can grow up safe and supported, even if it means confronting her own feelings about our relationship in the future. For more information on navigating parenting and infertility, check out this excellent resource and consider exploring this helpful post on home insemination kits. If you’re facing challenges, this site offers valuable insights.
Summary:
This article discusses the author’s journey into parenthood, the impact of her upbringing on her parenting style, and her decision to seek therapy to address unresolved childhood issues. Through therapy and new connections with other moms, she navigates feelings of guilt, loneliness, and the desire to provide a better environment for her daughter.