When people discuss the transformative power of parenthood, they often highlight how it makes one a better person. I, however, find myself in stark contrast to this notion. Recently, I broached the subject with my partner, Oliver, who argued that fatherhood has improved him—and that I too have become a better version of myself. I beg to differ.
Let me clarify: I don’t believe that motherhood has turned me into a terrible person or that I fall short as a parent; I’m proud of my role. Yet, I can’t ignore how certain aspects of my personality have been amplified since becoming a mom. I’ve often pondered when I became so uptight, and the answer invariably points back to motherhood.
I’ve always been a perfectionist and somewhat of a control enthusiast. I set high standards for both myself and those around me. While I never sought to dictate others’ choices, I did manage situations meticulously. Before I became a mother, this trait was manageable. I was the dependable friend who organized outings and the reliable colleague at work. If someone made a life choice I disagreed with, it didn’t bother me much; it was their life to live, after all. On my wedding day, everything was flawlessly planned, and I had a detailed itinerary for our honeymoon to ensure we made the most of our time together. My husband appreciated this organization; it allowed him the freedom to relax while we explored new places.
However, motherhood has shifted how these traits manifest in my life. My perfectionism and need for control have escalated significantly, showing no signs of abating. Despite being acutely aware of this change, I find myself struggling to rein it in.
I’ve distanced myself from family members whose habits or beliefs conflict with mine, worried that they might negatively influence my daughter. It’s an irrational fear, and yet it consumes me. I’ve become possessive about who can drive my daughter, constantly asking myself, “What if?” When someone expresses a desire for one-on-one time with her, my immediate thought is, “Why does that matter with a toddler?” I feel compelled to oversee every conversation she has and every experience she encounters.
In the past, I was open-minded and loving; now, I find myself more judgmental and less accepting. Some attribute this shift to aging, but I believe it’s a less favorable aspect of becoming a parent. Before my daughter entered my life, I was able to accept the world as it was, trusting in people’s rights to live according to their beliefs. While I still affirm that right, my internal acceptance has diminished, fueled by the fear that external influences might lead my daughter astray.
Additionally, I’ve noticed changes in my emotional sensitivity. I’ve become more prone to tears and find it challenging to maintain a positive outlook. The worries about the world my daughter is growing up in often weigh heavily on me. I recognize that many of these concerns are beyond my control, yet they drive me to exert even more control over what I can.
Motherhood has undeniably transformed me in various ways. It has deepened my capacity for love beyond anything I previously imagined. When my daughter underwent major surgery, I discovered a reservoir of strength I never knew I had. I’ve learned to appreciate the small joys in life and have rediscovered the world through her innocent eyes. It has reignited my passion for teaching, with her being my most important student, and I’ve become eager to learn alongside her.
However, while motherhood has shaped me in many profound ways, it has not necessarily made me a better person. I will continue to strive for improvement.
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Summary
The author reflects on how motherhood has intensified certain personality traits, particularly perfectionism and control, rather than improving her as a person. While she celebrates the love and strength that being a mom has awakened in her, she grapples with feelings of judgment and worry about external influences on her daughter. Ultimately, she acknowledges the complexities of her transformation and remains committed to self-improvement.