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Getting Real
Our Family Is More Jumbled Than Blended
We’ve all seen those heartwarming stories about blended families where ex-partners come together with new spouses for the sake of their children. Fathers and stepfathers proudly walking daughters down the aisle; mothers and stepmothers exchanging heartfelt letters of mutual respect and gratitude. Charming, aren’t they?
Then there’s our family. We don’t resemble that model, and we likely never will. Some of us just don’t mesh well — and the key to our survival has been accepting this reality.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand during my years as a stepmom. Even though my partner and I pour our love into our kids, you can’t love a child into liking you. It simply doesn’t work.
You might try. You might stretch yourself thin trying to accommodate everyone. You might even overlook bad behavior and dismiss the eye rolls or the “you’re not my mom” remarks. But that can’t last forever. Eventually, the pressure will crack you, and you’ll find yourself in the privacy of your closet, devouring cookies and sipping on sweet wine, teetering on the edge of sanity. Well, maybe that’s just me and my sweet tooth.
Ever wonder why second marriages fail at higher rates? I believe part of it is due to the kids. They constantly test us. Then there are the exes. What no one mentions about remarrying is that your relationship isn’t just between the two of you. The presence of your former partners casts long shadows over everything you do with the children. If those other parents aren’t on board with your new family setup, no amount of love can make it succeed.
This situation is why parenting uniformly is nearly impossible. Trust me, we tried. The rules we established in our home didn’t hold outside its walls. Kids are clever; they quickly learn that two households come with different rules. They figure out who will bend and who will stand firm. (Feel free to quote me on that.)
The rare moments we did blend were magical and provided some of our happiest memories — but when those moments faded, our dynamic soured like milk in a forgotten sippy cup. Cooperation vanished, and laughter turned into chaos. The familiar cries of “That’s mine,” “It’s not fair,” and “I can do that at dad’s” echoed wherever we were when the unraveling began. This scenario is likely more prevalent than you realize, as those of us living it often feel guilt and shame that’s tough to voice. Instead, we suffer in silence, taking it out on ourselves and our partners. And believe me, we’re experts at both — or at least I was.
After navigating these turbulent waters for a few years, trying to fit the mold of a blended family that thrived on love rather than merely surviving in a haze of tension, my partner and I realized that letting the kids run the show wasn’t working. We began discussing how our children’s behavior made us feel instead of pushing it down and hoping it would resolve itself. We found that setting boundaries was crucial — no more excusing bad behavior. If a child crossed our rules, they faced consequences. Simple as that. We also let go of certain expectations, like forcing all the kids to attend each other’s school events. We learned to choose our battles wisely and devised a plan for when conflicts arose. We needed to become allies again, and let’s be honest, you can’t be on the same wavelength if you’re not even reading from the same book.
My partner and I embraced the jumbled situation, and now we take things as they come instead of trying to conform to what others think we should be. Our marriage is solid, and our kids are alive. I see that as a win across the board.
Some of you have nailed this blended family thing, and that’s inspiring. But those of us navigating a more jumbled existence need more understanding and support. We are genuinely trying to make something work for various reasons. That doesn’t mean we don’t want it to.
Celebrate the wins when they appear and cherish the moments when the family blends. And for those other times, keep a stash of cookies and wine hidden away.
About the Author:
Lisa Thompson is a freelance writer and editor residing with her partner, children, and lovable mutt in Tallahassee, Florida. She enjoys penning her novels and short stories, fixing others’ grammar, and hiking around town with fellow writers. Discover more about Lisa on her website and social media accounts.
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Summary:
Navigating a blended family can be challenging, and it’s okay if your family doesn’t fit the ideal mold. The author shares personal experiences of acceptance, boundary-setting, and the importance of open communication. While some families may blend seamlessly, others find themselves in more chaotic situations. Embracing this reality and supporting each other can lead to stronger relationships and cherished moments.