“Mom! I aced my test! Can you send a picture of it to my other mom?” This is a common phrase in our household. We are a family of four children — ages 10, 8, 8, and 3 — all of whom came to us through open adoption as infants. Our oldest and youngest are biological siblings, as are our 8-year-old twins. Their birth mothers are integral to our daily lives, just like our relatives and other significant figures within our family.
However, I need to clarify that this story isn’t solely mine to narrate. It’s a collective mothering story that includes these two remarkable women, who will share their perspectives when they feel ready. I reached out to the birth moms for permission to discuss our relationship, and they both agreed. They believe it’s vital to showcase how our bond has formed, particularly for adoptive parents who may be wary of open adoption.
We all agree that our children deserve to know their complete story and maintain connections with all those who love them. It’s our responsibility as adults to nurture that. What surprised us most was the depth of connection we developed among ourselves. Many view our relationship as unusual or even uncomfortable. Historically, adoption has often been shrouded in secrecy, with the Baby Scoop Era only a generation ago framing it as a simple act of charity for families desiring a child. Yet, the emotional complexities of adoption are just now beginning to gain recognition.
Understanding the Unease
Why does our relationship make some people uneasy? We have pondered this, ultimately concluding that it’s because we don’t fit into any conventional categories. How can children thrive with two mothers? Isn’t there confusion? Does this complicate things for us as mothers? Do we feel diminished in our roles?
While I often receive praise for adopting, my kids’ other mothers have faced stigma. For instance, the twins’ mom, Sarah, has been wrongfully accused of selling her children. In the small town where my other kids’ mom, Lisa, resides, people struggle to accept her decision. Adoption is a trauma for all involved, yet society often glosses over this reality.
Our Journey Together
Reflecting on our expectations when starting this adoption journey, we realize none of us had a clear vision. Yet, we dove in, focusing on the children. Lisa shared, “I gained an extended family, which I never anticipated. It fills me with joy to see how many people care for our kids.” We often exchange texts about our pets — we both have a few too many — random science facts, and favorite books.
Sarah expressed that what we’ve accomplished is what she hoped for but didn’t know would materialize. We frequently have late-night conversations about our kids’ antics. Our twins and their siblings are a lively bunch that keeps us entertained. Of course, it hasn’t been without challenges — the pandemic halted our visits for a while. “It’s strange having kids in the world while not being able to see them grow daily. But we include them in everything. When my other kids mention their siblings, they always include them. We are truly a family,” she noted.
We all acknowledge uncertainty about how our adult children will view this unconventional family structure we’ve created. My husband and extended family are equally committed to supporting these four wonderful kids, ensuring we do what feels right for everyone involved. We’ve made our share of mistakes, like any family, but we continue to learn and grow.
Building Strong Bonds
As for those who wonder if I ever feel threatened or uncomfortable about my kids having their other moms in their lives, I’ll admit I had those concerns initially. We were dedicated to open adoption, but the daily dynamics seemed overwhelming. Would we all get along? Would we agree on parenting choices? Would it remain awkward, or would we develop a bond over time? Now, over a decade into this journey, my children’s other moms are among my closest friends. They understand our deepest struggles, and I understand theirs. They are the only other two people who love our kids as I do — with a mother’s love.
Resources for Further Exploration
For those interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this blog post, or if you’re looking for expert advice, this resource is a great option. Another excellent resource for those considering pregnancy is this link.
Search Queries:
- How to navigate open adoption
- Benefits of open adoption
- Challenges of open adoption
- How to build relationships in open adoption
- Understanding adoption trauma
Summary:
Open adoption has proven to be an enriching experience for my family, bringing us closer to our children’s birth mothers. Together, we’ve created a supportive network, emphasizing the importance of our children’s connections to all their significant figures. Despite societal stigma, we navigate our unique family dynamics with love and commitment.