When it comes to friendship, it’s not solely about you or me. If you are a part of my life, I embrace who you are — your quirks, your flaws, your challenges, and your victories. I accept your partner and your children as part of the package. While our kids may not always be best friends, I genuinely wish for their happiness and success. I’m here to listen to your frustrations about motherhood, but my protective instincts kick in when you start criticizing my child.
If our children are on the same sports team, I would sincerely rejoice in your child’s accomplishments. Their success does not diminish my compassion for my own child’s struggles. I remember a pivotal time in my life when my husband and I faced challenges trying to conceive. After undergoing testing, we were diagnosed with “undiagnosed infertility”—a diagnosis that left us feeling frustrated and helpless.
As we navigated the emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments, I received the news that a friend, who hadn’t even begun trying for a family, was pregnant. I had a choice: to focus on my own feelings or to celebrate her joy. I chose the latter, putting on a brave face to celebrate her pregnancy while privately grappling with my own sadness. My husband comforted me, assuring me that our time would come, and indeed it did, about six months later.
As our children grew into toddlers, my husband pointed out that another friend, whose kids were slightly older, often compared her children’s achievements to ours on social media. Initially, I brushed it off, thinking it was a bonding mechanism among mothers. However, over time, I began to realize that this friend was not genuinely happy for my kids. Instead, she frequently highlighted her children’s successes while downplaying mine.
For example, during a recent baseball game, if my child got a hit while hers struck out, I remained neutral. Yet, she would offer excuses for her child’s performance. I found myself cheering for her child’s success as well. I believe in supporting my kids regardless of their performance, without making excuses or seeking favoritism from coaches. If my child has a bad day, I encourage them to try again next time.
In contrast, I noticed that some “friends” took pleasure in our children’s setbacks. If my child faced disciplinary issues at school, they would discuss it openly, while simultaneously showcasing their own child’s accomplishments. It raises the question: are they genuinely supportive, or are they simply seeking to elevate their own children’s status?
A true friend is someone who shows their care without making you second-guess their intentions. They celebrate our children’s achievements and support us through failures. I may feel disappointment for my child missing out on a gymnastics competition, but that doesn’t lessen my happiness for your child’s achievements. I want all our children to thrive and reach their potential.
Let’s not complicate our friendships with competition. My child is not in a rivalry with yours — you are.
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Summary:
Friendship should be built on mutual respect and support, especially when it comes to parenting. It’s crucial to celebrate each other’s successes without competing or undermining one another. True friends uplift each other, regardless of their children’s achievements or setbacks.