It feels like we’re living in a retro sitcom. Every evening, I find myself burning the midnight oil while my partner, Mark, heads to bed early. He gives me a quick kiss and I bid him goodnight before he retreats to the master suite. Much later, I tiptoe in, complete my nightly routine of makeup removal and brushing my teeth, then I cover him up and retrieve our dog. All of this is accompanied by sounds that could easily come from a distressed wild animal—except it’s just Mark, blissfully asleep. He doesn’t suffer from sleep apnea, and sleep studies have confirmed it. His entire family, however, has a genetic predisposition to snoring like a bulldog. So, my German Shepherd and I settle into the guest room and close the door. Yep, my partner and I sleep in separate beds.
This arrangement is a well-kept secret we don’t share with anyone, as we certainly don’t want to come off like June and Ward Cleaver from Leave It to Beaver or Lucy and Ricky from I Love Lucy. The notion of separate beds seems like an outdated trope from a time when even the hint of intimacy was deemed scandalous. Now that we live in a world where sexting and online adult content are commonplace, the idea of separate beds feels like a relic from the past, when Elvis was “The Pelvis” and Eisenhower was still a fresh memory.
Interestingly, sharing a bed can lead to resentment. According to a report by USA Today, the National Sleep Foundation found that about one in four couples are opting for separate beds, meaning a quarter of you might be sharing this same “shameful” secret. Clinical psychologist Sarah Mendez explains, “People are losing sleep. They wake each other up, and resentment can build in a relationship. If that’s not addressed, it will inevitably affect your relationship and even your work life.”
I can certainly relate to the resentment that builds when sharing a bed. Early in our relationship, Mark was crafty—he always made sure to fall asleep after me. When I’d awaken to the unsettling sounds coming from his side of the bed, he would stroke my arm until I drifted back to sleep, so I had no recollection of his snoring—or so I thought. As he aged, his snoring escalated, along with his reactions to being disturbed. He doesn’t wake up like a regular person; instead, he jolts awake in panic, as if the world is ending, shouting, “WHAT?!” and scanning the room like a startled deer. It’s funny—unless you’re the one married to him.
But then there’s the concern about intimacy when sleeping apart. Mendez warns that while sharing a bed can disrupt sleep, separate beds might kill intimacy. However, when I want to be intimate, I make it happen. It might not be as spontaneous as snuggling up for a quickie at midnight, but Mark will drop hints, like, “Wake me up when you come to bed,” or even send a cheeky text during the day saying, “I’m here and bored.”
With our kids settled in front of Disney Plus, we find our way back to our bedroom. Even though we sleep in different beds, we still make time for each other. On weekends, Mark sneaks into the guest room, boots the dog out, and we cuddle. We lie there talking, and it’s lovely. If that leads to some un-Cleaverish fun, fantastic; if not, that’s perfectly fine too.
It’s worth noting that I refer to “our room” and “the guest room.” My belongings are in “our room,” and I merely sleep in the guest room out of convenience. This isn’t a split, but rather a compromise for better sleep. As the article highlights, it’s essential to maintain open communication and ensure that no one feels rejected or neglected. Personally, I enjoy having my own blankets and my dog with me, while Mark appreciates the same. After years of sharing a bed, I can finally stretch out in peace.
Separate beds mean no snoring, no disruptive alarms, and no kids creeping in like little ghosts. It works for us, and it might just work for you too. It’s time to break the stigma so we can all feel a little less isolated in our choices.
For more insights on this topic, check out our previous post here and learn from experts at Intracervical Insemination. If you’re considering starting a family, the March of Dimes is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
One in four couples find comfort in sleeping in separate beds, a choice that can alleviate sleep disturbances and resentment in relationships. While some may worry about intimacy, many couples still find ways to connect and maintain their bond, proving that separate beds can work for some. Open communication and a willingness to adapt are key to making this choice successful.