Updated: May 13, 2020
Originally Published: Feb. 2, 2015
I’m an unmarried mom in a committed partnership. My partner, Chris, and I share a life filled with love, despite society’s judgment. Together, we are raising our two-year-old daughter, who remains blissfully unaware that her existence is considered a sin by some traditionalists. The truth is, we were already seen as ‘in trouble’ the moment we chose to have her outside the bounds of marriage.
For over a decade, we’ve been navigating life together, which includes shared travels and daily routines. While our boundaries may sometimes blur, our main priority is nurturing our child.
If you spotted us on the street, you might assume we are the typical family—complete with wedding rings and shared life insurance. But you’d be mistaken. We’re not married, nor do we have plans to change that anytime soon.
The questions began innocently enough. “You’re planning to tie the knot before the baby arrives, right?” (Believe me, I don’t need a ring on my finger to give birth. Women have been doing it since time immemorial without rings.)
“Well, now you must get married!” (Of course, because your opinion is what matters most. Let me just call the officiant.)
“Doesn’t it bother you that you’re not married?” (If it did, wouldn’t I already be married?)
The title for the most inappropriate marriage inquiry goes to a tall, slender, divorced woman named Linda, who brought up the topic at a gathering while I was happily pregnant and surrounded by married friends.
“Oh my gosh! You must be thrilled about the baby!” she exclaimed. I smiled, nodded, and gently rubbed my belly, ready to chat about my favorite subject—babies.
“So when are you two getting hitched?” she pressed. I replied, “We have no current plans to marry. We’ve been together for a long time and are both committed.” I added, “We’ll see if it’s important for our daughter in the future.”
A puzzled look crossed Linda’s face, and she continued, “But you don’t want your child to be a bastard, do you?”
What? I was momentarily speechless. In retrospect, I could have said a lot of things, but instead, I was left dumbfounded.
She kept going, “Just think how your child will feel on her first day of kindergarten when the teacher mispronounces her last name. She’ll have to explain that mommy and daddy didn’t love each other enough to marry. You’ll pick her up, and she’ll be in tears, hating you. You don’t want that for her, do you?”
(Side note: I’m paraphrasing, but I must commend Linda for crafting such a dramatic narrative about my daughter’s future. Just picturing her cute little backpack dragging her down, weighed by guilt and shame—truly inspiring.)
At that moment, I wished I had been quick-witted enough to respond. The married moms around us busily focused on their wine glasses, pretending not to hear.
“Well, marriage doesn’t work for everyone, does it, Linda? After all, haven’t they been together longer than your first two marriages combined?” I smiled, sipped my drink, and seamlessly redirected the conversation.
Game, set, match.
Through this experience, I’ve come to realize that unmarried moms often face judgment from unexpected places. Who would have thought I’d receive criticism from a twice-divorced woman regarding my life choices?
Don’t misunderstand me; if marriage is your goal, that’s great! I will joyfully attend your wedding and celebrate your union. I genuinely wish you the best and promise to select a beautiful, handcrafted gift from Etsy for you.
Every morning, I consciously choose to make my relationship work. A mere piece of paper won’t ensure my partner stays. We have challenges, just like everyone else. Yet, an unmarried mom’s struggles are often just like yours, minus the white dresses and legal documents. So, the next time you encounter a mom without a ring, remember she is likely navigating similar waters as you.
For those looking for resources on fertility and family planning, check out this article. If you’re seeking guidance on your fertility journey, this site is an excellent authority. Additionally, Medical News Today offers valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
Being an unmarried mom often comes with unexpected scrutiny and judgment from others, even those you might not expect. While societal norms may dictate a certain path, the reality is that family dynamics can be fulfilling in various forms, regardless of marital status. It’s essential to remember that love and commitment can exist without traditional labels.