It was one of those chaotic toddler tantrum Tuesdays when I reached out to my husband, desperately hoping for a break—or at least some backup. When he answered and confirmed he was on his way home, I informed him we were ordering pizza. After a day filled with messes, screams, time-outs, and tears, I had completely failed to prepare dinner. He was in a cheerful mood and proposed that we all go out to eat instead.
After a long day of nonstop chaos, the last thing I felt like doing was taking our toddlers out in public, where their potential for mischief could send me over the edge. “Honey, I just can’t. Today’s been a nightmare,” I admitted. His silence spoke volumes about his disappointment. With an exasperated sigh, I reluctantly said, “Fine. I’ll get the kids ready.”
In a huff, I brushed my daughter’s hair, wiped the kids’ faces, and dressed them as best as I could. As we loaded them into the car, I shot him a glare and muttered, “You owe me.”
That night, after a surprisingly manageable dinner, I reflected on my remark and had a humbling realization: the phrase “you owe me” should never be a part of a marriage.
Using “you owe me” implies that the other person is obligated to reciprocate kindness or risk facing resentment. The underlying message is clear: if they don’t repay the favor, you might withdraw love or affection, or even neglect your marital responsibilities until they do.
Common themes in wedding vows revolve around unconditional love, such as “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” At its core, marriage is a partnership based on mutual honor and respect, and “you owe me” can drain the love from that bond. While marriage certainly involves give and take, it also requires prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own. It’s about sacrificial love—setting aside your own desires for the happiness of your spouse.
When I said “you owe me,” I was essentially communicating that we weren’t equal partners at that moment. I was asserting myself and implying that he needed to make it up to me quickly, taking away his freedom to love me selflessly and turning it into a chore. That’s not what love should be.
Marriage is undeniably challenging. Even the strongest relationships face trials and difficult times. Rather than adding to those challenges by expecting something in return for my efforts, I choose to love without the expectation of repayment. After all, on May 23, 2009, I promised my husband that I would strive to love him selflessly, and that’s precisely what I intend to do.
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Summary
In marriage, saying “you owe me” undermines the essence of partnership and unconditional love. True commitment involves prioritizing your partner’s needs over personal expectations. Instead of keeping score, strive for selfless love, as it fosters a deeper connection.