Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and went to gather the kids. My partner, Jake, also showered, got ready, and then took the dogs for a walk. We loaded the children into the car and dropped them off at school (or daycare, to be precise). After a long day of work, we picked them up and headed home.
Jake took our toddler down to see the puppies, as the little one immediately began chanting, “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!” Upon arriving back home, I removed the baby’s jacket, took off my own, and hung both in the closet. I even put my shoes away (this detail will be important later). After changing into more comfortable clothes with the baby, I returned to the kitchen to clear off the table clutter.
At this moment, Jake and our toddler emerged from the basement. Jake took off the toddler’s jacket and sneakers and placed them on the kitchen table before heading to the cupboard for a snack (yes, you read that correctly; he was getting himself a snack, not for our child). I then asked, “Could you please put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
That phrase—“help me out”—made me realize how often I had been framing our partnership. It led me to think about all the numerous times I had asked him for assistance: “Can you help me out with the baby’s bottle?” “Can you help me out by rinsing your plate?” “Can you help me out by taking out the trash?”
It suddenly struck me that these were not the right words. He isn’t simply helping me; he is an adult and my partner. I voiced my realization: “Actually, could you just do it? It’s not helping me; it’s just putting away your kid’s belongings.” Although Jake didn’t reply, he did put everything away.
From that moment on, I resolved never to ask my husband for “help” unless it involved something truly daunting, like dealing with a massive spider that may as well have come from another dimension. Here’s my reasoning:
1. It Undermines His Role
Jake is a fully capable adult. He should not be seen merely as my assistant or someone who needs prompting to pitch in. His contributions are valuable on their own. If there’s something he hasn’t noticed, I can mention it, but it’s about what needs to be accomplished for our busy household, not about me directing him.
2. It Shifts Responsibility
I do not hold the sole responsibility for managing our home or caring for our children. It’s a shared duty. Using phrases like “help me out” implies that I am taking on that burden alone. There are many things I aspire to own in life, like a yacht or a luxury car, but 100% responsibility for our family isn’t one of them. I want an equal share of that responsibility.
3. It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Kids
I don’t want my sons to think that doing basic chores like putting down the toilet seat is some grand favor to their partner. I want them to understand the importance of being a true partner, contributing their fair share, and finding pride in that partnership.
4. It Weakens Our Partnership
Jake is my equal. While we may have different approaches to tasks, our primary goal is maintaining a joyful, healthy family environment (and keeping our home free from the remnants of toddler meals). I don’t want to manage him or have him think his role is to assist me. His role is to be a father and my partner—and yes, also to deal with bugs.
So, the next time I find his clean laundry sitting in the dryer for days, instead of asking for help folding it so I can wash the kids’ clothes, I’ll simply tell him to move it out of the way.
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In summary, I’ve come to recognize that I will no longer frame tasks as requests for help from my partner. Instead, I will approach our responsibilities as a shared partnership, ensuring we both contribute equally to our household and family.