As parents, we often grapple with the daunting reality that we can’t dictate how our children will ultimately turn out. It’s a sobering truth that even the most dedicated and caring parents may find their kids diverging from the paths they envisioned. As a father of three, the thought of one of my children becoming the “black sheep” of the family is a source of anxiety. I love each of them deeply and aspire for them to grow into kind and successful individuals. If they don’t meet those expectations, I can’t help but wonder what that says about my role as a parent.
In my position at a university, I frequently teach incoming freshmen about Stephen Covey’s concepts of the Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence. The Circle of Concern includes everything that worries us—our health, our children’s futures, workplace issues, and even broader societal challenges like government policies and global conflicts. Conversely, the Circle of Influence encompasses the aspects we can actively shape—our direct actions and decisions.
This lesson emphasizes the importance of focusing on what we can control. For instance, while we can’t change the weather, we can decide whether or not to carry an umbrella. Similarly, we can’t always influence the quality of a professor, but we can seek alternative resources like textbooks, online materials, or study groups.
As I reflect on my primary concern as a parent—what kind of individuals my children will become—I recognize that despite my best efforts, I have limited control over their choices as they grow. They are unique beings whom I adore, yet they will forge their own paths, sometimes veering away from the values I hope to instill.
This realization can be overwhelming. I often worry about the possibility that my children might not reach their full potential, and I fear the guilt that would accompany my perceived failures. However, I’ve made a conscious decision to shift my focus from the uncontrollable to the aspects within my reach—my Circle of Influence.
The only thing I can truly control is myself. I can model positive behavior as a father, teach valuable lessons, and nurture a loving environment. I can demonstrate respect for all individuals, regardless of their background or beliefs, and instill a sense of curiosity about education, passions, and values in my children.
In a world rife with negative influences, I understand that my kids will encounter various pressures as they grow. Someday, they will engage with social media, adopt political views, and form opinions about social issues, possibly aligning with like-minded peers. While I can’t dictate these external influences, I can provide them with a strong foundation rooted in our family values and open discussions about the type of individuals I hope they will become.
Ultimately, parenting comes down to action—showing my children how to live a good, moral life through my own choices and behaviors. It’s crucial to communicate openly about my expectations for them while reinforcing the importance of becoming individuals of substance. Listening is equally vital; we need to support our lessons with our actions while encouraging open dialogue.
Many of you may already be doing this; gently guiding your children towards a bright future while demonstrating the values of empathy and care. If you are, then you are effectively operating within your Circle of Influence, and that is perhaps the most meaningful contribution you can make to ensure your child grows into the person you know they can be.
As I navigate my parenting journey, I often encounter memes suggesting that it’s a parent’s job to “parent the jerk out of their kids.” While humorous, it raises questions about the practical steps involved in achieving this goal. I believe it starts with a focus on our Circle of Control, seizing every opportunity to nurture our children into strong, ethical individuals. If, despite our efforts, they make choices that diverge from our hopes, we can find solace in knowing we laid a thoughtful foundation.
In conclusion, every parent desires to feel confident that they have done everything possible to guide their children towards a fulfilling life. And while I acknowledge that my children are still young and much remains to be seen, I trust that the love and values we share will have a lasting impact.
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