The week of July 4th was upon me, and my kids were away with their dad. I had been dreading this arrangement since we settled on it months ago, but I tried to muster the energy to leave the house and make the best of the situation. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, I spent my days in pajamas, lounging on the couch with a book after tending to some yard work.
Throughout the week, I received texts filled with tales of their adventures—jet skiing, camping, delightful meals of lobster, and a night filled with takeout Chinese food. They had a mysterious itchy rash, plenty of cousin time, rides on four-wheelers, knee boarding escapades, sunburns, and of course, fireworks. Each message filled me with joy for them, and I genuinely felt grateful that they were having fun with their wonderful dad (who definitely knows how to bring the excitement). It’s heartwarming to see your kids happy and making lasting memories, no matter the circumstances.
However, that’s only part of the story. I could claim that their joy is all that matters, but that would overlook a painful truth: it breaks my heart to see them thriving without me, especially during holidays. The knowledge that they were having such a blast without me around was a punch to the gut. I’ve come to realize that this is my new reality—a reality where I won’t always be there for every holiday, birthday, or special event.
The Pain of Holidays
Holidays hit the hardest. This isn’t how I envisioned our family life when we were planning our future two decades ago. We were supposed to experience all of this together, forever. Isn’t family what holidays are all about? Even though July 4th isn’t one of the major holidays, it still stung. To cope, I turned to books and my cozy pajamas; it was my only source of comfort.
There have been times when my kids are with their dad, and I’ve filled my schedule with family and friends to soften the blow. But this time, I declined all invitations. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing families hand in hand, wearing red, white, and blue, or witnessing parades and fireworks. Those were our traditions, and seeing others enjoy them felt too heavy for my heart.
So, I did what I needed to do. I didn’t want to engage; I didn’t want to pretend everything was fine. I wanted to embrace my feelings, hoping that would lead me toward some peace and healing. And it worked.
Creating New Memories
I remind myself that I can create new memories with my kids as a divorced mom, and I do. I understand we can celebrate in our own way, even if it’s not on the holiday itself. A little self-care goes a long way in helping me navigate this new chapter of life. It can be refreshing and fulfilling, but that doesn’t erase the sting of being away from your kids during significant occasions.
You have every right to grieve. Then, you can move on and forge new experiences, only to find yourself grieving again. Healing from divorce is not a straightforward journey. There will be setbacks, moments of sorrow, and days that flow seamlessly into others, leaving you wondering when you’ll finally feel whole again. Holidays have a way of surfacing all the old wounds and bringing back memories you thought were buried.
Honoring Your Feelings
I’ve learned that the best approach is to honor what feels right in that moment. If you want to celebrate, go for it. If you need solitude, embrace that choice knowing your loved ones will understand. If a shopping spree online sounds appealing, indulge yourself. I’ve experienced all these emotions, and it’s completely acceptable to have a holiday apart from your kids and find enjoyment in it—or to find it unbearable. This is all part of the journey, and as long as you stay true to yourself and push through, you’ll be okay.
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Conclusion
In summary, as a divorced mom, the hardest days often come during holidays when the absence of your children is most palpable. The journey of healing is non-linear, filled with highs and lows. Allow yourself to feel every emotion and find what works for you, whether that means seeking solitude or celebrating with friends. Embrace the changes and create new memories while acknowledging the pain.