Friendships can fade or even end, particularly after becoming a parent. Here’s how to cope with that transition.
Recently, friendship expert Lisa Carter, author of the upcoming book Friendship Dynamics: The Science of Connection, shared an insightful observation: “Friendships often dissolve not due to a major disagreement but simply because one party stops reaching out.” For parents, this can resonate deeply. Consider all those cherished friends you used to enjoy parties and weekend brunches with before your priorities shifted to diaper brands and playdates. Once you welcome a child into your life, your availability for socializing with friends—especially those without kids—diminishes significantly. Texts become sporadic, plans are indefinitely postponed, and soon, your knowledge of their lives is limited to social media updates.
Life inevitably gets in the way. Research indicates that in a span of seven years, up to 70% of our close friendships can fade, with 52% of our social connections drifting away. Women, in particular, seem to feel the sting of lost friendships more acutely; studies show that negative interactions with friends can elevate women’s stress levels, unlike their male counterparts. The reality is that some friend-fading is common, especially for parents, and it can sting. Here are some strategies to help you navigate the loss.
1. Avoid Blame or Personalization
Friendships can falter for numerous reasons. One significant factor was the global health crisis, which led to 43% of women aged 18 to 29 losing touch with friends, alongside 40% of women aged 30 to 39. Even a simple change in circumstances, such as moving or changing jobs, can deepen the divide. Many friendships are context-dependent, and if those contexts shift, the relationships can wane. It’s crucial to understand that these changes are rarely personal failures. Instead of viewing your friend as a traitor or yourself as unworthy, acknowledge that life can overwhelm us, especially as parents. The demands of parenting can make it hard to prioritize friendships at times.
2. Embrace the Present
The saying about friendships being for a reason, a season, or a lifetime may seem cliché, but there’s a kernel of truth in it. To avoid disappointment, try not to place expectations on your friendships until you know their nature. If you sense distance, adjust your expectations accordingly. Instead of thinking, “Why doesn’t she respond to my texts?” reframe it to, “It seems she’s not into texting much right now.” This approach encourages radical acceptance and helps you maintain peace of mind.
3. Appreciate Social Media
While it may seem odd, seeing a friend’s updates on social media can be a consolation. It allows you to stay somewhat connected to their life, even if it’s not face-to-face. In previous generations, you wouldn’t have had this option, so it can be a small comfort.
4. Be Considerate of Mutual Friends
If you sense your friendship is drifting, strive not to put shared friends in an awkward position. Avoid probing questions or complaints about your friend’s distance, as this can lead to unnecessary drama. Understand that your mutual friends may still connect for reasons unrelated to you, and this isn’t a reflection of your worth.
5. Keep an Open Mind for the Future
Life is unpredictable, and friendships can resurface when least expected. I have two personal anecdotes that illustrate this. The first involves a childhood friend who drifted away after college but reconnected years later thanks to social media. We’ve since rekindled our friendship and even brought our kids together. The second story involves a close friend from grad school. After years apart, a simple message about parenting struggles led us back to connecting.
The takeaway is that friendships can often be rekindled, even after long periods of silence. A genuine bond remains, waiting for the right moment to reemerge.
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In summary, it’s normal for friendships to change, especially during significant life changes like parenthood. By reframing expectations, embracing social media connections, being kind to mutual friends, and keeping an open heart for the future, you can navigate these shifts with grace.