My oldest son had a serious accident this summer, flipping his car just days before he was set to have friends ride with him. In our area, teens can only have passengers under 21 after holding their license for nine months. He told me he was heading to Subway for a sub, and I trusted him. After being cooped up due to COVID, I figured a quick trip for a snack at 7 PM on a Wednesday would be harmless.
But things took a turn. About 20 minutes later, I received a call from him saying he had flipped his car at the Park and Ride just a mile away. Thankfully, he was unharmed, and he knew my anxiety about his safety would be at the forefront of my mind. When I arrived, three of his friends were with him. Instead of getting food, they had been joyriding, taking corners too quickly, and my son made a reckless choice to impress them.
The police arrived shortly after I did, having been alerted by a bystander. My son openly admitted to having friends in the car, which made me realize how many different outcomes could have occurred. We were fortunate that no one was injured. He faced severe consequences: the state suspended his license for allowing friends to ride with him, and I took away his driving privileges for an extended period. Additionally, I made him sell his car.
When neighbors noticed he wasn’t driving around, they texted me, and when family or friends inquired about how things were going, I kept the incident to myself. “Everything’s fine,” I would say. To outsiders, this situation painted my son as a troubled kid. Without children, one might perceive him as a bad person.
The same silence ensued when he faced suspension for smoking pot, when my youngest smeared Nutella on a school locker, and during my daughter’s struggles with self-harm. I kept those stories under wraps.
Parenting teens can feel isolating for two main reasons. First, they often withdraw from wanting to spend time with you. What was once a close relationship can shift dramatically as they enter puberty, making everything you suggest seem foolish.
Secondly, when they begin to engage in riskier behavior—like speeding, breaking rules, sneaking around, or experimenting with substances—venting becomes complicated. You can’t share their struggles with acquaintances you’ve just met at the park or in online forums. It’s their narrative, and it wouldn’t be right to disclose their challenges for your own relief as you might have done during their early years.
During these turbulent teen years, you must maintain a strong facade when they approach you with serious issues. If you react with panic, they may never confide in you again. This is tough to manage.
You also grapple with concerns about how their choices will be perceived by others. You may start out with the conviction that external opinions won’t influence your parenting style. However, when others judge your teen’s aspirations, fashion choices, or mistakes, the impact on them—and consequently on you—can be profound. No amount of “I don’t care what others think” can soften that blow.
It can feel lonely at times. I look at my three children and wish for a deeper connection, but I often find myself slipping away from that bond. I crave discussions about their lives, thoughts, and fears, but they frequently resist.
The close relationship we once shared, characterized by bedtime stories, comforting hugs, and movie nights, has largely faded. What remains is a mother acutely aware of the importance of these teenage years, burdened with the desire to guide her kids into becoming responsible adults—all while keeping their personal struggles confidential and managing the weight of worry alone.
Many days, my house may feel filled with activity, but I often feel isolated. Fortunately, I’ve heard that this phase improves with time, and I hold onto that hope with all my might.
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Summary
Parenting teens is a challenging and often lonely journey. As they seek independence and engage in risky behaviors, parents find themselves navigating a web of worries while trying to maintain trust. The shift in their desire for connection can leave parents feeling isolated, yet there is hope that these years will eventually lead to a deeper understanding and relationship.