As a mother of a twelve-year-old boy, I anticipated the moment when he would look at me and declare, “I hate you!” Surprisingly, that moment arrived much sooner than expected—when he was just eleven. In that instant, my instinct was to retort, “Well, I hate you too!” But I quickly realized that wasn’t true; I merely felt frustrated with him at that moment, and I knew he didn’t genuinely hate me either.
Instead of responding with anger, I looked at his freckled face and said, “Then my job here is done,” before leaving the room. I wasn’t the creator of that witty comeback; it sprang to mind from an episode of the classic show Roseanne, which aired during the late ’80s and early ’90s. That line encapsulated my feelings perfectly. My son was upset because I refused to give in to his demands, and I stood firm—even if it meant he felt frustrated at that moment. This exchange signified that I was fulfilling my role as a parent.
Now that he’s in the tumultuous stage of puberty, he is moody and impulsive, caught between needing my support and wanting to distance himself from me because, in his eyes, I am utterly “embarrassing.” It’s perfectly normal for him not to like me all the time, and I am confident that, beneath those moments of frustration, he still loves me and feels secure in our relationship.
As parents, many of us have fallen into the trap of trying to win our kids’ affection, often seeking validation through hugs and displays of affection over small treats or late bedtimes. In those fleeting moments, we might feel like best friends, but ultimately, our role is to be a parent—a task that can often feel thankless. We enforce boundaries that we once disliked as children ourselves.
Despite the challenges of “being the boss” of a small, angry human, it remains the most rewarding role I’ve ever undertaken. Shortly after our earlier confrontation, my son found me and stood at my bedroom door, still flushed from his earlier emotions. “You stole that line,” he said, looking bemused. I feigned innocence, and he quickly pointed out the source. We shared a laugh, and our connection felt renewed. “I knew I recognized that!” he exclaimed, and together we watched an episode of Roseanne. The animosity faded almost instantly.
I cherish the fact that my son is developing an appreciation for the shows I loved growing up, such as Seinfeld and Beverly Hills, 90210. While I know there will be many more moments when he expresses his “hatred,” I also understand that it’s part of the journey. I don’t always have to respond perfectly; I just need to be present and committed to my role as a parent.
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In summary, the “I hate you” phase is a normal part of parenting. It signifies that you are setting boundaries and teaching your child valuable lessons, even when it feels uncomfortable. Embrace these moments; they are part of the journey of nurturing a healthy parent-child relationship.