Updated: June 8, 2023
Originally Published: June 8, 2023
The year 2023 has been a peculiar one—filled with uncertainty and introspection. Thankfully, on a personal level, nothing catastrophic has occurred. In fact, the first few months have brought some uplifting moments. I’ve forged new friendships, explored new places, secured a new job, and even received a prestigious writing accolade.
Despite these positive experiences, I find myself unable to fully embrace them. My mind is preoccupied with a profound longing: the desire for another child, which has yet to materialize.
My partner and I started trying for a second baby last summer. We approached it casually, opting for spontaneous unprotected intimacy rather than tracking ovulation or using fertility tools. After all, our first child came to us effortlessly—just a few weeks into our attempts.
Yet this time, the months have slipped by quietly, marked by disappointment rather than celebration. Each cycle brings a wave of sadness, leaving me feeling hollow as I yearn for a sibling for my daughter.
However, it’s not just sadness I experience. Surprisingly, negative pregnancy tests also provide a peculiar sense of relief. It’s not joy, but rather a sigh of relief, knowing that while I deeply desire another child, the prospect also terrifies me.
I adore my daughter—she is vibrant, clever, and full of life. My first pregnancy was blissful; everything progressed smoothly. But shortly after giving birth, my emotional landscape shifted drastically. I found myself engulfed in anger, sadness, and anxiety, often crying multiple times a day.
At first, I attributed these feelings to the overwhelming nature of new motherhood. However, when dark thoughts of death began to invade my mind, I realized I needed help. Thankfully, I sought the support of a psychologist and began therapy, but it took a long 16 months to emerge from the depths of postpartum depression. During that troubling time, I decided against having more children, convinced it would be too risky to endure another bout of such despair.
Three years have passed since then, and here I am, contemplating the very thing I once vowed to avoid. It’s a complex feeling, one where I find myself both hopeful and heartbroken whenever my cycle arrives. The sight of blood brings mixed emotions—excitement mingled with grief for the child I wish to have.
I mourn the loss of my potential future child every month. The desire for that baby is strong, yet the fear is equally daunting, as the memories of PPD linger.
This internal conflict will continue until I either welcome another child, my feelings shift, or I come to terms with my situation. Despite my fear, the longing for you, little one, remains.
If you’re grappling with postpartum anxiety or depression, know that you’re not alone and resources are available to help. For additional insights into home insemination, check out this helpful post on home insemination kits. For authoritative information on the subject, visit Intracervical Insemination and explore this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, navigating the desire for another child while reflecting on past struggles with postpartum depression is a complex journey. It’s a mix of yearning and fear, happiness and sadness, as I grapple with the prospect of expanding my family.