The desire for a second child can be intense, yet for many, the journey is fraught with challenges. After two years of grappling with secondary infertility, I find myself making a difficult decision: despite my longing for another baby, I am opting to start birth control.
My partner, Mark, and I have been navigating the complexities of trying to conceive again, and the emotional toll has been significant. For two long years, we’ve meticulously tracked ovulation, timed intimate moments, and held onto the hope of seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test. But the relentless cycle of hope and disappointment has taken its toll, and we’ve reached a point where we need to pause.
Explaining why we are stepping back from trying can be tough. I often hear well-meaning advice like, “Maybe you’ll conceive if you just stop stressing about it!” While I understand the sentiment, I can’t simply turn off that part of my mind. The waiting game has been exhausting, and the possibility of pregnancy continues to linger, fueling my hopes only to lead to heartbreak month after month.
In a moment of vulnerability, I turned to my doctor for guidance, tearfully requesting birth control. The yearning for another baby is profound, yet my emotional energy has been depleted. Initially, the suggestion of medications or a referral to a fertility clinic, including IVF, sparked a flicker of hope within me. My doctor empathized with my situation, wishing she could prescribe prenatal vitamins instead of hormonal contraception. I share in that wish, but I recognize that for now, birth control is the most sensible step forward.
Infertility has deeply impacted my self-esteem, leaving me feeling as if my body has betrayed me. The joy of motherhood has been overshadowed by a persistent heaviness in my heart. At the same time, a fear looms over my decision; I worry I might regret not exhaustively pursuing every avenue to expand our family. My daughter, Lily, has expressed a desire for a sibling, and while she’s too young to understand the complexities, the thought of her feeling incomplete is daunting. We reassure her that families come in many forms, but I can’t help but wonder how this will shape her perception of family.
Infertility often brings a unique sense of isolation. Even as a mother, it’s challenging to articulate my feelings—why should I be dissatisfied when I already have a child? Despite my apprehension, I know it’s time to move past the sense of helplessness that comes with infertility and to focus on new aspirations.
However, acceptance is a journey in itself, and I’m still grappling with what that means. I realize that part of my healing involves eliminating the possibility of pregnancy. As long as there’s hope for a baby, I remain trapped in a cycle of anticipation. By starting birth control, I aim to create the space necessary for healing and liberation from this emotional turmoil. Admittedly, this choice is challenging to accept, both literally and figuratively.
I don’t have clear advice to offer; I’m simply navigating this one day at a time. I’m not on a quest to find a silver lining in my experience—life presents us with challenges that can feel senseless. Yet, I’m learning to coexist with my feelings. Sharing this personal journey may not resonate with everyone, but I felt compelled to express it. Many remarkable women have supported me through this, and I am grateful for their strength.
Reflecting on my journey, I came across a quote by Alex Elle that resonates: “Acknowledge your pain. Let it surface and spill over. Give it permission to make an uncomfortable mess. Healing can happen this way and so can emotional freedom. Face it all. Free it, too.”
As I begin this new chapter, I remain hopeful for the future while recognizing the importance of self-care and emotional well-being.
For additional insights on home insemination, check out our post on the at-home insemination kit. There are also valuable resources available from the experts on unexplained infertility and a comprehensive guide on pregnancy that may help others facing similar challenges.
Summary
The journey of secondary infertility can be emotionally taxing, prompting some parents to reconsider their paths. Despite a strong desire for another child, the decision to start birth control can be a necessary step in healing and moving forward. Acknowledging the struggle while seeking support from others can provide comfort and clarity during this difficult time.