I strive to avoid raising my voice during parenting moments, as yelling can be a significant trigger for me. Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, I’ve experienced the harsh effects of anger and rage from others. It wasn’t until I began this journey of parenthood that I recognized how my own elevated tone could also serve as a trigger.
My son, Alex, will turn 5 this fall. He is generally a joyful and well-mannered child, though he has gone through typical phases of biting, hitting, and having tantrums. To address these behaviors, I’ve implemented “time-ins” instead of traditional timeouts, focusing on patience and understanding rather than isolation or shame. Patience is a gift that Alex has given me, though he can also test it from time to time.
I want to be clear: I do not hit, restrain, or harm my son in any way. I firmly believe in treating all children with respect and kindness, and I never force physical affection upon him. However, there are moments when I feel compelled to raise my voice, and I find this unsettling.
When I lose my patience, it usually stems from safety concerns or repeated misbehavior after numerous warnings. For instance, when we are outside, Alex knows he must remain on the grass and away from the driveway. Each time he wanders too close to the pavement, I gently guide him back, reminding him of our safety rules. But when this happens repeatedly, my voice escalates. While it works in the moment, I often wish my calm tone were enough.
The day Alex hit me hard on the arm, though, was particularly distressing. I recognize that young children can act out, and I do not view this as abusive behavior. However, being in a position where I had to assertively grab his hand and firmly say, “We do not hit. No hitting!” brought up feelings of trauma for me. I felt my body react—my throat tightened, my chest constricted, and I struggled to remain composed. Even when I softened my tone and encouraged him to express his feelings, it felt reminiscent of past traumas.
Trauma can leave a lasting mark, and our bodies often react to perceived threats based on past experiences. Bessel Van der Kolk, MD, in his book The Body Keeps the Score, discusses how trauma can lead to an overactive stress response in the brain. This insight has been enlightening for me, as it clarifies how my past experiences can influence my reactions to everyday parenting challenges.
While I sometimes feel overwhelmed when faced with Alex’s frustration, I have to remind myself that we are no longer in danger. I am not simply pleading for him to stop; I am guiding him toward understanding appropriate behavior. I also focus on the fact that he is just a child learning boundaries, not an adult testing my limits.
To manage my anxiety and triggers, I use grounding techniques—observing my surroundings, practicing yoga, and engaging in deep breathing exercises. Healing is often a slow and solitary process, so I turn to blogs where others share similar experiences. A post titled “Parenting with Trauma” by Laura Hayes resonated with me, as she expressed how her child’s emotional responses can mirror the adults she encountered in past abusive relationships. This connection between my experiences and my parenting journey is both startling and enlightening.
Another writer, Sarah Jameson, candidly discusses her daily struggles to avoid repeating the cycle of abuse she experienced, emphasizing the constant battle to see her child as someone to guide rather than as a source of fear. These insights are invaluable, especially as many parents avoid discussing these challenges openly.
Identifying triggers isn’t merely about avoiding certain topics or situations. It’s about understanding that I must strive to maintain a nurturing environment for Alex, free of the might-is-right mentality. I want to keep my emotional responses in check to ensure I’m not projecting my past anxieties onto him. It’s crucial to cultivate a home where love prevails, and I’m willing to raise my voice when necessary—just not in a harmful way.
For others in similar situations, I recommend exploring resources like this excellent guide for pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, consider checking out this post for insights into fertility. If you’re looking for tips on nap routines, this site is a fantastic resource.
In summary, the journey of parenting while managing personal trauma is complex. It requires ongoing self-awareness, patience, and support from the community.