As I rush to get my tween ready for school, she asks me to style her hair. I quickly pull her braids into a high ponytail and then grab some spoons for their lunchboxes. Minutes later, while driving to school, I notice her hair has come undone. “What happened to the ponytail?” I ask, only to be met with a glare and an annoyed, “It looked bad.”
To me, it was just a simple ponytail, but I realize that my daughter’s perception is completely different. Instead of reacting, I choose to stay calm, even though I’m internally frustrated. Mornings are chaotic, and I made an effort to help her out. But then I remind myself that her tween angst usually has little to do with me—it’s part of the hormonal roller coaster of this age.
Anything I say or do can trigger a wave of emotions in my tweens. The sound of my breathing, the absence of their favorite snack, or missing accessories can lead to meltdowns that rival those of a toddler. As they navigate this tricky stage between childhood and adolescence, emotional regulation is often out of reach.
Engaging in Connective Parenting
So, what do we do when our tweens or teens mess up? It can be tempting to dive into a lecture, but that often doesn’t lead to meaningful connection. Instead of grounding them, we try to engage in connective parenting. Lecturing rarely works when emotions are high; our words often fall on deaf ears. Until they calm down, they can’t process what we’re saying.
Moreover, responding with our own frustration can shift the focus back to us, making it less about their lesson and more about our feelings. This isn’t helpful. We must ask questions that encourage reflection rather than simply telling them what they did wrong.
When a mistake occurs, I’ve found it useful to ask, “What happened?” and “What do you think went wrong?” This opens up a dialogue and encourages them to think critically about their actions. Following this, I ask, “What could you do differently next time?” This method pushes them to find solutions rather than just feeling ashamed.
Making Amends and Learning Accountability
If their actions harm someone, it’s essential to discuss ways to make amends. We might ask, “How can we fix this situation right now?” Whether it’s an apology or taking some other action, it’s important for them to understand the consequences of their choices. Natural consequences often do the teaching for us—like receiving a poor grade for not studying. That speaks volumes without us needing to reiterate the importance of preparation.
In my experience as a college instructor, I’ve witnessed many young adults struggle with accountability and problem-solving. They often blamed their circumstances rather than reflecting on their own efforts. I want my kids to learn to take responsibility now, not when they’re older and in the workforce. Teaching them to pause and reflect is far more valuable than letting them wallow in shame while I rant.
Being a Stable Presence
Indeed, parenting tweens and teens can be quite a challenge. I remind myself that this phase of life is unpredictable for them, but I can be a stable presence. Rather than being a critic, I strive to be a source of guidance. I view this time as an opportunity to teach them to ask the right questions that will serve them well in the future.
As we approach the teen years, I know there will be even more hurdles to overcome. However, I remain hopeful that by encouraging problem-solving in my tweens now, we’ll maintain a trusting relationship down the road.
Further Reading
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Conclusion
In summary, embracing the challenges of parenting tweens and teens requires patience and understanding. By asking questions and fostering reflection rather than resorting to shame, we can guide them through their mistakes and help them grow.