Aug. 14, 2023
We’ve all encountered that one friend of a friend who rubs us the wrong way. Perhaps she’s overly loud and disruptive, perpetually mired in personal upheavals, or maybe her snide remarks only surface when no one else is around. It could even be her parenting style that leaves you rolling your eyes while sipping your wine at a gathering.
If you’ve spent enough time in the mom social scene, chances are you’ve crossed paths with someone whose presence makes your skin crawl. Even worse, she might be close friends with someone you genuinely like, leading to awkward smiles and forced small talk at social events.
These are certainly first-world problems, but it’s frustrating to think that a disagreement with one person could jeopardize a valued friendship. Navigating the complexities of adult friendships can feel reminiscent of high school drama when you find yourself in a predicament involving a friend of a friend. So, how should you approach a situation where a good friend is forming a bond with someone you find difficult? Here are some strategies to consider:
1. Acknowledge Your Friend’s Choice
Friendship isn’t a race, and there’s no need to view it as competition. Your friend values your unique qualities—whether it’s your ability to make her laugh or simply your presence during tough times. Understand that she may see something in her other friend that warrants her affection. Trust that your friend can look beyond any negatives and allow her to make her own judgments.
2. Avoid Speaking Ill of the Other Person
Sometimes, a newcomer to a mom group shines brightly at first, but their true nature may emerge over time. While it may seem obvious that this new friend isn’t a great match, directly criticizing her will only make you appear petty. If you’ve chosen your friends wisely, the truth will eventually reveal itself.
3. Graciously Withdraw if Necessary
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was clearly not favored by a mutual friend. The tension was palpable, and it became apparent that my presence was causing stress for the hostess. Rather than let the situation escalate, I chose to leave early, prioritizing my friend’s comfort over my own feelings. It wasn’t about conceding defeat but about putting the friendship first.
4. Communicate Your Feelings Thoughtfully
Moms can sometimes fall into the trap of being overly judgmental. Before discussing your discomfort with your friend about her new acquaintance, take some time to reflect on your feelings. Is it a specific behavior that bothers you? Have you felt hurt by her actions? Or is it jealousy about the time she spends with your friend? Whatever the case, be clear and concise when you address your concerns. Use “I feel” statements to soften your message, and emphasize how much you value your friendship. Be prepared for the possibility that your friend may choose to maintain her new connection over yours.
5. Recognize That It’s Not Always About You
If you find yourself being treated poorly by a friend of a friend, consider the dynamics at play. Have you been friends with your mutual friend for a long time? Is the new friend acting out of insecurity or jealousy? Understanding the root causes of the tension can be helpful, but as long as you’ve made an effort to be friendly, hold your head high. Don’t let one negative experience overshadow the positive relationships you cherish.
In most cases, there’s enough love and friendship to go around. While adult conflicts aren’t the same as childhood squabbles, it doesn’t hurt to remember the age-old advice: “I’m rubber and you’re glue.”
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Summary:
Navigating friendships in the mom community can be challenging, especially when a friend’s new companion creates tension. It’s vital to recognize that friendship isn’t a competition, and to avoid trash-talking others, even when you feel uncomfortable. Communicating your feelings honestly and thoughtfully is essential, and if the situation becomes too tense, gracefully stepping back can be the best course of action. Understanding that not every friendship will mesh perfectly allows you to focus on the relationships that truly matter.