Trigger Warning: Child Loss
Recently, I received a call from my sister seeking advice for a co-worker whose friend’s baby was stillborn. As a mother who experienced the loss of my daughter, Lily, just days after her birth, I understand the profound grief that accompanies such a tragedy. My daughter was born full-term after a healthy pregnancy, and her brief life was a devastating shock. After discussing with my husband and other parents who have endured similar losses, I’ve compiled a list of what to do — and what to avoid — when supporting bereaved parents.
Avoid Broad Offers of Help
Phrases like “Let me know how I can help” may be well-intentioned but often leave grieving parents feeling overwhelmed. When I was in despair, a friend’s direct approach was a lifeline: she simply asked, “Do you know what you’re having for dinner tonight?” When I replied, “No,” she immediately offered to bring over a meal at a specific time. It was practical support that I desperately needed but couldn’t articulate at the time. When offering assistance, consider saying, “I’m heading to the store; can I pick up some essentials like milk or eggs for you?”
Provide Tangible Support
One of the most beneficial actions you can take is to prepare meals or organize a meal delivery schedule for the first few weeks. After Lily passed away, thinking about food felt impossible. Friends from various aspects of our lives rallied to deliver dinners for a month, which made an enormous difference. When preparing food, make the instructions straightforward, and include notes for even the most obvious tasks. For instance, I once baked a casserole with the plastic wrap still on it, so labeling can be helpful.
Remember Key Dates
Each month, especially on the anniversary of their passing, grieving parents may struggle. For example, Lily was born on the 15th, and each month on that date carries its own weight of sorrow. A friend sends flowers every month on the 15th, which brings me comfort. If you can’t remember the date, set a recurring reminder on your phone to check in on your friend during these difficult times.
Prepare Their Home
If you are close to the family, consider making their home welcoming upon their return from the hospital. Offer to help with chores, tidy up, and perhaps place flowers around to brighten the space. A care package with postpartum essentials, cozy items, and comforting treats can also serve as a reminder that they are still parents, even in their grief.
Support the Father as Well
It’s vital to remember that fathers grieve differently. If you know the father, encourage your partner to reach out for a casual outing. They may need to process their feelings differently than their partner and having a support system is crucial for both parents.
Be Candid in Conversation
If you’re unsure what to say, a simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way. Avoid platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason” or “You can always have another child.” Instead, emphasize your willingness to listen. It’s also perfectly acceptable to ask questions about the baby or the circumstances surrounding their loss. Engaging in these conversations can help normalize the topic and break the silence surrounding the child’s memory.
Address the News of New Pregnancies Thoughtfully
If you or someone close to you is pregnant, inform the grieving parent directly instead of through social media. This personal approach acknowledges their loss and shows you care about their feelings. However, it might also mean that the grieving parent unfollows baby-related content online until they feel ready to face those emotions again.
Stand by Them Through Their Grief
Grieving is a messy and unpredictable process. Your heart may break as you witness your friend’s pain, but standing by them is essential. They may have moments of anger or sadness, and offering a safe space during these times is invaluable. Sometimes, a simple presence or even an invitation to do something constructive, like breaking plates to release pent-up frustration, can be a unique way to cope together.
Acknowledge the Loss
If you encounter a grieving parent in public, it can be awkward if you’re unsure of their situation. If you know about their loss, express your condolences sincerely. If they wish to discuss their child, they will, and if not, they might change the topic. Demonstrating that you acknowledge their loss can create a deeper connection.
Say Their Child’s Name
Hearing my daughter’s name brings both joy and tears. It’s important to remember that mentioning their child’s name honors their memory and validates their existence.
For further resources on coping with grief or exploring family planning, check out this informative article on nutrition and fertility. If you’re considering starting a family, you might find insights in our home insemination kit blog, as well as excellent pregnancy resources from leading medical institutions.
In summary, the most effective way to support grieving parents is through practical help, emotional support, and open communication about their loss. Acknowledging their pain and remembering their child can create a bond that lasts well beyond the tragedy.