When I pick my son up from preschool, I embrace him tightly and lean my forehead against his, letting my face brush against his soft, tousled hair. In that moment, I appear like every other parent welcoming their child—yet beneath the surface, my experience is markedly different. I live with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and as I touch my son’s sweet hair, my mind races with thoughts like: What has he touched today? What germs are lurking? Should I hurry home and give him a bath? No? Are you really sure? THIS IS A RISK!
I’ve always enjoyed school—my memories are filled with laughter, friends, and learning. Strangely, OCD didn’t manifest until after college, in my early twenties. Unlike my carefree days of childhood where I was blissfully unaware of germs, now, a simple door handle can trigger a barrage of anxious thoughts in my mind. Did someone sick touch it? What if my child catches something?
OCD is rooted in a malfunction within the brain, specifically the amygdala, which regulates emotions related to fear and anxiety. In those of us with OCD, this area can become hyperactive. While many associate OCD with fears about germs, it can also manifest in a variety of intrusive thoughts. For instance, I might worry that if I wear a specific shirt, something terrible could happen. This whirlwind of anxiety leads to compulsive behaviors aimed at alleviating the distress.
When I touch my son’s hair, the anxious thoughts flood in: What has he been exposed to today? Is it contaminated?
Yet, here’s the silver lining: (1) I can manage my OCD, just as many others do. (2) I must continue to embrace my son, which is truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Before he drifts off to sleep, we cuddle in his bed, and I read him a couple of stories. As I absentmindedly play with his hair, he nestles into me, and despite the chaos in my mind, I push through.
My brain warns: “You might all get sick.” I reply, “That’s a possibility.” My heart races, and I feel a wave of nausea, but I keep playing with his hair, redirecting my focus to the story we’re sharing. I engage him about his day, allowing the anxious voice to fade into the background noise. Yes, we might get sick, but I continue to twirl his hair, kiss him goodnight, and sing him a lullaby. Afterward, I make myself a cup of coffee, pushing forward with my day.
For those on a similar journey, understanding your experiences is crucial. Remember that it’s possible to embrace both the challenges and joys of parenting while managing OCD. For additional insights on navigating this journey, check out some resources on personal empowerment, and if you’re looking to enhance your fertility journey, consider reading about fertility supplements here. Another excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination is available here.
In summary, parenting with OCD presents its challenges, but it’s also a journey filled with profound love and connection. Sharing these experiences can foster understanding and support among those facing similar battles.