Trigger Warning: Suicide
“Mom, can we go outside and build a snowman?”
This is a common request from a young child following a snowstorm, especially in a place like Apex, North Carolina where snow is infrequent. However, the context of this question was anything but ordinary. Just moments before, I had shared the heart-wrenching news with my four-year-old daughter: her uncle, my cherished brother, had passed away.
My brother, Mark, had been missing in Portland, Oregon for several days after Christmas in 2016. As the days stretched on without contact, our concern grew. Ultimately, we received the devastating news that Mark had died by suicide.
After researching ways to discuss such a tragic event with a child, my partner and I explained to our daughter that her uncle had succumbed to an illness of the mind. We tried to answer her questions with care while tears streamed down our faces.
That day felt like my entire world came to a halt, yet my daughter’s life continued on. So, we bundled up and built that snowman together.
“To be a good mother while my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I’ve ever had to play.” — Unknown
Children demonstrate incredible resilience in the face of adversity. One moment, they can be overwhelmed with confusion and sadness, and the next, they are ready to engage in play. This resilience is mirrored in the way mothers navigate their own grief while supporting their children. The emotional dance between parent and child is a delicate balance, especially during tough times. Regardless of financial issues, relationship struggles, or the weight of grief, mothers strive to fulfill their children’s needs. We attempt to channel our love, even amid the darkest hours.
So how can we, as mothers, find the strength to manage our emotions alongside our children’s during challenging times?
While I don’t have all the answers — I often grapple with this myself — here are some insights I’ve gathered.
Taking Each Day as It Comes
It’s completely normal to experience a range of emotions as a mother, particularly during trying periods. Just as children have their ups and downs, so do we. It’s essential to shed the notion of the “perfect parent” and embrace our humanity. Life is a long journey, not a sprint, and healing takes time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and remember that today is just one moment in time; tomorrow brings new possibilities.
Balancing a Child’s Resilience With Your Self-Care
While children exhibit remarkable resilience, it can be exhausting for mothers who are facing their own hardships. After sharing the tragic news with my daughter, the last thing I wanted was to build a snowman. Yet, I recognized the importance of being there for her. We can learn from our children’s ability to bounce back, but we must also prioritize self-care to support their evolving emotions. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.
Children Absorb Lessons from Their Environment
During a counseling session, I expressed my worries about not being a good mother due to my grief. My therapist reassured me that my daughters were learning valuable lessons through my struggles — empathy, compassion, and the reality that life can be unpredictable. They were witnessing the authentic expression of emotions and understanding that it’s okay to navigate both high moments and low ones.
Finding Comfort in Simple Moments
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if a cup of tea could solve everything? While not literally true, the sentiment holds meaning, especially for children. Small gestures often carry the most weight. In moments of darkness, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters. I’ve learned that when I set aside my to-do list and simply engage with my child, even for a few minutes, the weight of my worries lightens. It’s in these moments that I am reminded that motherhood is about being present with the child beside you.
The intricate dance of parenting can be profoundly beautiful. The love and understanding exchanged between mother and child is something to cherish. Some days will be more challenging than others, but the key is to foster that connection and be the best mother we can be.
This article was originally published on May 6, 2019.
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Summary:
The article explores the challenges of parenting through grief after the author’s brother’s suicide. It emphasizes the resilience of children and the importance of self-care for mothers during difficult times. The piece highlights the emotional journey of balancing personal sorrow with the needs of children and the lessons they learn from observing their parents. By focusing on simple interactions and being present, mothers can navigate their struggles while nurturing their children.