I share my home with my husband and our two sons, aged 12 and 15. While they have long outgrown their toddler years, the past few months have felt reminiscent of those chaotic times.
Just two weeks ago, after a peaceful afternoon together, our older son erupted in anger when we suggested he spend an evening with us instead of playing video games with friends. His usual calm demeanor vanished, and he reacted as if we had committed a grave injustice by asking him to join in a game of “Code Names!” He looked ready to call for help, convinced we were the most tyrannical parents on the planet. My husband and I exchanged knowing glances, suppressing smiles, as we recalled similar outbursts from a decade ago when he was still in diapers.
The following week, it was our younger son’s turn to have a breakdown. Overwhelmed by another day of distance learning, with technical issues and unreliable WiFi, he reached his limit. I swear I could see cartoonish steam rising from his ears! And the colorful language he used? Where did he learn those words? Is that what Discord is for?
Then the pattern continued, with my husband losing his temper over a broken thermostat and launching into a rant about home projects and perceived gender roles. Finally, I snapped too, fueled by frustrations over mask compliance and a grocery store incident that pushed me over the edge. The final straw was learning we couldn’t have Thanksgiving with our extended family. I found myself yelling at my husband, my boys, and even the dog. I can’t recall everything I said, but I know it wasn’t pretty.
We all exhibited the same cycle: anger, yelling, fuming, and then embarrassment for our extreme reactions. If we were toddlers, we would have been on the floor kicking and screaming.
So what was happening? Had we all regressed to our younger selves? Not exactly; we were experiencing what I’ve come to call the Pandemic Tantrum — an emotional reaction that extends beyond just little ones.
Initially, I felt guilty about how we were all acting. The pandemic has been tough, but were we really acting like kids again? To better understand, I did some research. Tantrums occur when the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, senses a threat, triggering a response from the hypothalamus. Without a fully developed prefrontal cortex to self-regulate, children (and even teens and adults) can lose control, leading to emotional outbursts.
This pandemic has left us all feeling on edge. Since March, we’ve faced fears and disappointments we never imagined. The uncertainty surrounding COVID, political strife, natural disasters, and the absence of traditional school and holidays has taken a toll on our ability to manage our emotions. Our brains are working overtime, while our prefrontal cortices feel overwhelmed and distant.
In this tumultuous environment, we are emotionally exposed, and tantrums are bound to happen. So, what can we do? Instead of digging up old parenting manuals, I decided to apply some classic techniques for managing tantrums to our current family dynamic.
I realized that I needed to calm myself before assisting my children. I allowed myself to feel the anger and frustration rather than suppressing it. Yelling into a pillow, venting alone in my car, or writing (but not sending) a scathing email helped me release pent-up emotions. Acknowledging my feelings allowed my prefrontal cortex to re-engage, enabling me to understand that our lives are far from normal.
I shared my discoveries about emotional responses with my family, and together we established a plan for handling our tantrums. We agreed on five strategies to support each other when someone is feeling overwhelmed:
- Avoid yelling back.
- Acknowledge feelings of anger and frustration.
- Don’t take outbursts personally.
- Stay calm to de-escalate the situation.
- Use humor, distraction, and hugs whenever possible.
Additionally, we’re practicing gratitude and compassion for ourselves and one another, even when emotions run high. We recognize that we are under significant stress and that additional tantrums are likely. Embracing this understanding has been oddly comforting, as it validates our emotional responses in these challenging times.
With this newfound awareness of the emotional science behind our reactions, we feel more equipped to navigate these tantrums until the pandemic subsides and our lives can return to some semblance of normalcy.
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Summary:
In the midst of the pandemic, families are experiencing heightened emotions leading to what can be termed “Pandemic Tantrums.” As frustrations mount due to continuous uncertainty and stress, even teens and adults find themselves reacting in ways reminiscent of toddlers. Establishing coping strategies and understanding the underlying emotional triggers can help families navigate these challenging times together.