By: Jamie Thompson
Updated: Aug. 9, 2023
My partner, Alex, is definitely a night owl, although I can’t pinpoint when they actually head to bed anymore. It could be midnight or even 4 a.m. — I’m usually fast asleep by then.
For quite a while, Alex stayed up late to carve out some much-needed alone time, a concept I initially found perplexing. But once they explained how the kids are always vying for attention, I began to get it. Late nights give Alex a chance to catch up on personal interests, like watching movies without a cartoon character or diving into novels that don’t feature illustrations — all in the peace of a quiet house.
On the other hand, I have become an early riser. This wasn’t always the case; when we first got married, my shifts as a server meant I was often the last one to bed. Fast forward nearly 14 years, and I now hit the sack by 10 p.m. and rise around 5:30 or 6 a.m. I get up early for the same reason Alex stays up late — to enjoy a little time for myself. Thankfully, our kids are older now, so they can entertain themselves in the mornings without dragging us out of bed at the crack of dawn.
So here’s the routine: at about 9:50 p.m., I give Alex a kiss and say goodnight. In the morning, I kiss them while they’re still sleeping.
I can’t be the only parent juggling mismatched schedules. It seems like fatherhood comes with an instinct to rise early, and perhaps motherhood does too. I once wrote about this for another blog, and many parents chimed in with similar stories of late-night solitude.
The Real Dilemma
The real dilemma is, how does this affect our marriage?
To be frank, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. We used to go to bed together, snuggling and chatting until we drifted off. I miss those moments, which have become rare. While we sometimes manage to wake up at the same time, it’s usually just me getting up early. We’ve had our share of disagreements over our differing sleep times. I didn’t grasp Alex’s need to stay up late, and they couldn’t understand why I needed to retire early.
Anyone with a partner on a different sleep schedule knows how it can feel like two colleagues passing each other in the hallway. Tension does surface; I have my firm 10 p.m. bedtime unless something urgent arises, while Alex often wishes I would stay up longer to spend time together. Sometimes I do, but more often than not, sleep wins out.
Conversely, there are mornings when I wish Alex would wake up earlier to share some time with me. But they, too, value their sleep, just as I do mine.
Finding Balance
Despite our opposing routines, we’ve found a functional balance. I get my writing done in the quiet morning hours, while Alex enjoys their solitude at night. Weekends are a compromise: I let them sleep in, and they allow me to hit the hay early. During the day, we still connect. We go on dates, chat on the phone, and I like sending them flowers monthly, or even more frequently. Our texts are filled with heart emojis and kisses. Even with our contrasting schedules, we’ve discovered effective ways to maintain our relationship.
So, if you find yourself in a similar scenario — one partner snuggling into bed early while the other is awake late — know that you’re not alone. It’s more common than you might think. The secret to making it work lies in how you utilize the time you have together in between.
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Summary
Opposite sleep schedules can be a challenge in marriage, but with effective communication and understanding, it’s possible to create a functional balance. Prioritizing time together during the day and making the most of the time apart can strengthen your relationship.