Updated: Dec. 26, 2023
Originally Published: July 18, 2023
In just a few months, I’ll be celebrating my 40th birthday, and to my dismay, the two people who were there for my very first moments will not be there to commemorate this milestone. Both of my parents passed away during my late 30s. While many of my friends are busy planning celebrations with their parents as they embrace retirement or considering moving them closer, I find myself stepping into the role of the oldest generation in my family.
Here are some reflections I’ve gathered along the way:
1. Plans Are Just That—Plans.
Make all the plans you want, but life has a way of throwing unexpected challenges your way. Five years ago, I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my second child and transitioning into a fulfilling new job that would provide an escape from the newspaper industry. Although I wasn’t thrilled about being so far from my parents and siblings, I thought I could manage it. Then, in 2010, my mother received a devastating diagnosis: Stage IV ovarian cancer. It was only later that we learned her prognosis was grim—she had just two years left. Tragically, she departed from this world two years and five months later. My father struggled after her passing, trying to balance being the grandfather she wanted him to be while falling back into the patterns that made our relationship challenging. Ultimately, he succumbed to his health issues 14 months after my mother. At 35, I felt I still had plenty of time with both of them, but I was clearly taking their presence for granted.
2. Recognize When It’s Too Late.
It’s a tough truth, but if you know you’re being difficult, it’s time to change your behavior. In the two years since my father’s passing, I’ve turned to a wise counselor for guidance. She reassured me that feeling relief following his death was valid. For years, I had hoped for a better relationship with him—one that resembled the bonds my friends had with their dads, where conflicts didn’t escalate into emotional warfare. I’ve come to realize that the father-son dynamic I wished for will never materialize. I miss the kindness he showed his grandchildren, his humor, and his familiar voice, but I no longer mourn the frustration that accompanied our interactions. If you have the chance to mend fences with loved ones, seize it.
3. Appreciate What You Had.
When self-pity creeps in, I remind myself of the saying, “Someone else is happier with less than you have.” My circumstances aren’t a tragedy; I had my parents in my life until my mid-30s. They walked me down the aisle and held my children, experiences that many people never get. I have immense admiration for those who overcome the loss of a parent or face unimaginable hardships, such as losing a spouse or child. They are the true sources of wisdom and resilience.
4. Prioritize Self-Care.
This is another lesson from my counselor that resonated deeply. Somewhere along the way, I adopted the misguided notion that being the most stressed or the least rested somehow equates to success. If you thrive on long hours and find fulfillment in your work, that’s great. But if you’re dragging through your week with a nagging feeling that this isn’t the life you desire, it’s time to reassess. Earlier this year, I transitioned from a full-time job to freelance writing and editing. Though the journey has had its bumps, I feel more aligned with my true path now. Life is fleeting, and I’m striving to live in a way that reflects that reality.
In conclusion, as I approach this significant birthday without my parents, I am reminded of the importance of cherishing relationships, embracing change, and treating myself with kindness. For those navigating similar experiences, it’s vital to seek fulfillment in every moment.
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