This past April, amid the initial shelter-in-place directives, I finally transformed my home office into a dedicated workspace. For three years, my desk had been crammed into a corner of what used to be the playroom/exercise area, with an elliptical machine looming behind me—used by my husband only on weekends. Thankfully, this was before the era of Zoom calls, so background distractions didn’t matter. With both of my children finally in full-time school (or so I thought), I was eager to claim this space as my own.
We disassembled the elliptical—a choice my husband would later reconsider due to gym closures. I selected a soothing shade of jade green for the walls, hoping it would spark creativity. We replaced the old, stained carpet with carpet squares we had saved from a renovation years prior. I envisioned how productive I would be in this new environment.
Unfortunately, by the time the room was ready, my work had come to a halt. Like over 2 million other moms nationwide, I had resigned myself to the new normal. It felt impractical to maintain the same routine we had followed for two months. As a writer and collaborator, I had worked from home for nine years, so the transition should have been seamless. However, balancing work with two elementary-aged children engaged in “remote” learning proved impossible. Writing in twenty-minute increments while dodging interruptions from ongoing tech issues was not sustainable.
After submitting a manuscript on May 1, I decided to pause my work until my children were out of the house. With summer approaching and all camps canceled, what other options did we have? I thought stepping back would ease the tension of constantly negotiating who got to work and who had to supervise the kids—who always needed help.
Little did I know, the sacrifice I believed would benefit my family might have worsened our situation. When I stepped down, I expected schools to reopen in August. As that month passed with no return to normalcy in sight, I realized I had unwittingly committed to this new reality indefinitely.
At first, I blamed my husband for not doing enough. I felt overwhelmed and drained by the constant demands of parenting. By day’s end, I found myself yearning to retreat to my bedroom with a book and some Netflix, needing a break from the relentless cycle of parenting and schooling.
I love my kids, but they are exhausting, and during the pandemic, they never seemed to leave. I kept convincing myself that I only had to endure until they returned to school. When November rolled around and both kids finally attended in-person classes a few days a week, it felt like a miracle. Many families weren’t as fortunate. Still, those precious days only amounted to fifteen hours of freedom each week—not nearly enough to dive into a new project while managing the chaos of remote learning on the other days.
In this new reality, I felt trapped and unable to escape. Meanwhile, I watched my husband head to work, sometimes just into my newly claimed office, shutting the door behind him. Resentment began to creep in, filling the void where I once felt fulfilled.
I genuinely married a great man. He wants to support me, never expecting me to shoulder the full burden of parenting. He’s an involved father and caring spouse. If I was struggling with him, I couldn’t imagine how others were coping who weren’t as fortunate.
It’s not just the big issues—like juggling work and parenting—that strain a marriage. Being constantly together can wear on any relationship. Little annoyances that once felt minor now loom large without distractions to mitigate them. In usual times, we might overlook a partner’s forgotten towel or dirty dish, but during quarantine, those frustrations linger, magnifying our grievances.
As the days dragged on, I realized I wasn’t just managing my own frustration; I was also witnessing my husband’s struggles. When both partners are facing challenges simultaneously, it can feel like there’s no support system in place.
Some couples find solace in the changes brought about by the pandemic, like my sister, whose husband used to be away for work. Now, he’s home for dinner and bedtime, allowing them to bond in new ways. However, many, like me, feel overwhelmed by the relentless demands of parenting and partnership amidst these trying times.
We can’t cling to our old ways of doing things. The pandemic has forced us to adapt, to discover new methods of being parents and partners if we wish to endure this extended period of uncertainty. Thankfully, there’s a growing acknowledgment that it’s okay to prioritize self-care during this time. My husband frequently reminds me to express my needs, but I must first identify them.
I’ve learned to recognize when I need a break, whether it’s asking for fifteen minutes to myself or a simple walk outside. I’m starting to shed the mindset that demands self-sacrifice. The reality is, no one is handing out awards for being the most selfless partner or parent.
So if you find yourself struggling in a marriage that once thrived, know you’re not alone. This doesn’t signify the end, but rather a time when we all require a bit more understanding. It’s essential to carve out space for yourself and your spouse.
Eventually, we’ll emerge from this pandemic. We’ll return to workplaces, perhaps not exactly as before, but we’ll regain control over our schedules and enjoy the return of activities. Until then, we will take deep breaths, learn to ask for what we need, and perhaps reclaim a sense of normalcy in small ways.
My husband and I have started designating one night each week for personal time, allowing each of us to unwind after dinner while the other handles bedtime. It’s a small change, but it’s transformative to know I have time just for myself—something I look forward to all week.
And I finally told him I want to go back to work. I know it will be challenging to balance our responsibilities, but deep down, I understand it’s what I need. There’s no reason to sacrifice my well-being anymore.
Now, I sit in my office, writing. In a world that feels so disordered, this small act is one of the few things that feels right.
For more insights on navigating parenting and partnerships, check out this other blog post and this excellent resource for pregnancy.
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In summary, many couples are facing unprecedented challenges during the pandemic, and it’s essential to recognize that you are not alone in your struggles. Open communication, self-care, and support from your partner can help you navigate this difficult time together.