Parenting
By Emma Johnson
Updated: June 3, 2021
Originally Published: April 9, 2019
I found myself in the kitchen, my 6-week-old baby secured in a front carrier while my back protested in agony as I attempted to prepare dinner. It had been ages since I could whip up a home-cooked meal. The generous casseroles from family, friends, and neighbors had vanished, takeout was becoming the norm, and I thought making a healthy meal might lift my spirits. I was sorely mistaken.
As I slammed dishes onto the table, my husband walked in, casually flicking through the mail without looking up. Meanwhile, my 3-year-old chimed in with a complaint about not having rice to accompany “the yucky meal.” Here I was, trying to regain my footing after welcoming my third child in three years, convinced that if I just pushed through, I would feel like myself again. But the reality was that each subsequent birth made it increasingly difficult to bounce back, especially on an emotional level.
You can’t rush this process. Trying to do so only leads to feelings of inadequacy as a parent, leaving you overwhelmed, anxious, and utterly exhausted. The truth is, introducing a new baby into a home with toddlers can lead to a prolonged period of chaos.
You crave assistance but can hardly articulate what you need, let alone find the time to ask for it. Welcoming visitors to meet the baby can be tricky, particularly when it interferes with your toddler’s nap schedule. Coordinating visits around nap times can quickly become a source of frustration, leaving you either feeling resentful or reluctantly allowing people to disrupt your precious downtime. Alternatively, you might shut down, worrying you come across as ungrateful while enduring comments about “keeping family away from your child.”
Friends and family reach out because they care, but when you’re managing toddlers and a newborn, you often can’t even pick up the phone. You don’t want to chat unless someone shows up ready to lend a hand and already knows exactly what you need.
If you’ve just given birth, there’s little time for recovery. A few nights in the hospital hardly suffice, and any rest you might have had evaporates the moment you walk through your front door to find your dog has had an accident on the carpet. You can’t take your eyes off your toddler and newborn because you’re constantly worried about their interactions—toddlers can be unpredictable and may think it’s fun to “help” by feeding the baby things they shouldn’t or attempting to lift them.
Your body may resemble bread dough—perfectly normal—but you certainly don’t need a toddler reminding you of this every day. Each morning, you may wonder how to tackle the day ahead and feel as if only the strength of ten women could get you through this new life.
You’ll find yourself crying more often than you’d like, feeling trapped in your own home because leaving takes too much effort. And when you do venture out, you might soon wish you had stayed put. Feeding the baby while preparing your toddler’s lunch can lead to spills and meltdowns that feel monumental.
Toddlers don’t care if you’ve been up all night with the new baby; they simply want to know why visitors aren’t bringing gifts for them, or why they have to hold a “boring bundle” instead of doing acrobatics. They have their own ideas about how to hold the baby and will demand your attention in increasingly creative ways, including throwing a tantrum in the grocery store when all you need is some diapers and formula.
Bringing a newborn into a household with toddlers demands a level of grit you might have never imagined. It’s not something that just falls into place, and it can take a long time to settle into a rhythm. You might feel perpetually sleep-deprived, your need for quiet time can feel insatiable, and you may find yourself questioning whether you’ll ever regain your sex drive.
Yet amid this chaos, there are moments of joy that keep you going. It will get easier—eventually. While it might sound like cliché advice, it’s true that you’ll need time to breathe. Adjust your expectations; don’t expect to have it all figured out in a few weeks or even months. Recognize that this is challenging, and remind yourself that your only responsibility is to do your best each day.
In time, you and your family will find your way through this tumultuous phase, and you won’t be able to imagine life any other way.
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