“Oh my goodness, he’s adorable! Are you his nanny?”
In the first year and a half of my son’s life, I can’t tell you how many times I faced this question—two or three times a week, at least. As soon as he started to speak and called me “Mommy,” the puzzled expressions began. They were no longer asking if I was the nanny, but the confusion was just as palpable.
Those looks still come our way. Honestly, I often want to wave my hands frantically and shout, “Yes, I’m a Black woman. Yes, I’m his mother. He literally came from my body, and if you dare ask me again if I’m his nanny, I might just lose it.” But I simply smile and walk away, choosing not to feed their curiosity.
After four years of this, I’ve grown accustomed to it, but that doesn’t mean the experience is any less frustrating. It’s not just me; many mothers of color with mixed-race children face the same issue.
A few months back, a viral video showed a little girl bursting into her dad’s important live interview on BBC, followed by a baby in a walker. The woman rushing in to gather the children was quickly labeled “the nanny” by many viewers simply because she was Asian and her husband was white. Once it was revealed that she was actually their mother, some tried to rationalize the assumption based on her demeanor. However, this speaks to a larger issue.
Women of color often default to being perceived as “the nanny” until proven otherwise. When I’m out with my son, I tend to be labeled the nanny until I clarify, “Oh, no, he’s mine!”
If you search for “mixed-race family” on popular stock photo sites, about 75% of the images will show a Black father and a white mother. As reported by Kindbody, Black men are twice as likely to date outside their race compared to Black women, but we cannot overlook the fact that women of color also date outside their races. This makes it perplexing that people still see a Black woman with a child who may resemble their father and immediately assume she’s just a caregiver.
It’s utterly insensitive to question a stranger about the parentage of their children. I can’t believe I even need to point this out, but here we are.
The lack of visibility for mothers of color with mixed kids reflects a deeper societal issue. Children often stare at my son and me, asking, “Why is your son white?” I’m generally more patient with kids than adults, so I explain that his dad is white, and he looks more like him. This illustrates how crucial it is to teach kids about the diversity of family structures.
As my son approaches school age, I dread the questions he might encounter from his peers. I refuse to teach him to simply accept these queries as part of his life. He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about “What are you?” while he’s just trying to enjoy being a kid.
Being a mother of color, particularly a Black mom to a fair-skinned child, is a unique challenge. When I mention that my son often presents as white, some people seem uncomfortable. They quickly say he resembles me, and while we do share similarities, he also takes after his father. That’s perfectly fine. Mixed-race children often navigate a spectrum of appearances.
Acknowledging that my experience as a Black mother with a fair-skinned child differs from that of a white mom with mixed kids is not defensiveness; it’s a reality. White mothers of mixed kids usually don’t face the same assumptions about being a “nanny” or field as many questions about their children’s appearances.
This isn’t my first time addressing this topic. The dismissal of the feelings and experiences of women of color is rampant. Comments like “Can’t you just be happy about your kid?” and “Why are you so sensitive?” are all too common. The question remains: why do people feel entitled to pry into my life and my child’s background? Compliments are welcome, but invasive questions about my son’s heritage or our relationship cross a line.
Discussing this frustrating phenomenon doesn’t make me or other women of color overly sensitive or bitter. We do not have to accept ignorance or odd curiosity at the expense of our comfort.
I’m not the nanny. I owe you no explanations.
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Summary
As a woman of color with mixed-race children, I frequently encounter assumptions and questions about my role as a mother. The stereotypes and biases that label me as a “nanny” are frustrating and highlight a significant lack of understanding about diverse family structures. This ongoing issue affects not only me but many mothers of color, and it’s crucial to recognize and challenge these preconceived notions.