Life can take unexpected turns, and for me, it felt like I was constantly caught in a whirlwind of challenges. Recently, I found myself sitting outside, soaking up the sun while diving into a captivating novel. For a fleeting moment, I experienced a sense of calm. But just as quickly, that familiar dread—an echo of my traumatic past—crept back in.
Over the last three years, I’ve faced a barrage of intense situations that have left me feeling anything but relaxed. The aftermath of trauma has made it difficult to embrace peace. Guilt often washes over me when I experience joy, and I can’t help but wonder why that is.
My journey began with the anticipation of adopting our fourth child. Matched with expectant parents halfway through the pregnancy, I thought I could handle the process. Yet, as my kids peppered me with questions about the baby’s arrival, my anxiety only grew. Each day felt like walking on a tightrope, unsure if the adoption would proceed as planned. Fortunately, the little one became part of our family and is now a spirited three-year-old.
However, just six months after her arrival, I discovered a painful area on my breast. What I thought was a minor issue led to a mammogram and ultrasound, which thankfully yielded good news. Yet, my relief was short-lived. A second opinion and subsequent biopsy revealed the unthinkable: I had breast cancer.
The next six weeks were a blur of medical appointments, tests, and decisions. I faced the daunting choice between a lumpectomy with radiation or a bilateral mastectomy. After agonizing over my options, I chose the mastectomy, a decision that would change my life forever. The recovery was anything but easy, and I spent a year trying to piece myself back together.
Amidst my cancer journey, I discovered that one of my children had undiagnosed special needs. What I imagined to be a straightforward process turned into a two-year struggle to navigate evaluations and secure appropriate services from the school system.
As I endeavor to embrace gratitude and joy during this holiday season, I find myself grappling with the remnants of my trauma. Living through so much turmoil left me feeling like I was trapped in a cycle of fear. I often felt overwhelmed by the weight of my experiences, questioning who I had become.
In my pursuit of healing, I turned to therapy, exercise, and medication—each playing a crucial role in my recovery. I’ve made mistakes along the way, like setting unrealistic expectations and over-analyzing everything. But I’ve also made strides, learning to navigate life’s challenges with more resilience.
Today, I can say I had cancer, but the memories and reminders persist. Every day, I see symbols of my battle, from pink ribbons to the physical changes in my body. Simple tasks, like lying back in a dental chair, can trigger panic as memories of vulnerability wash over me. It’s a constant struggle to attend even routine medical appointments, always bracing myself for the worst.
Now, two years post-surgery and three years after the adoption, I’m trying to rebuild my life with four kids who rely on me. I often feel like I’m on the edge of a newfound peace, yet guilt sneaks in, whispering that I should be doing more. After years of relentless striving, I find it hard to simply be present and enjoy moments of tranquility.
While it’s easy for others to say I should feel lucky, they can’t see the shadows of my past. I am grateful for my family, my health, and the progress we’ve made, but the fear remains that if I let my guard down, something terrible could happen.
Therapy, medication, and a supportive network have been my lifelines. I’m slowly finding my way back to solid ground, learning to trust the process. I may never fully understand why I faced these challenges, but I’m committed to giving myself grace and allowing joy to enter my life once more.
If you’re on a similar journey, you might find resonance in this other piece we’ve written about navigating life’s hurdles. And for those dealing with fertility issues, this link offers valuable insights.
Ultimately, every step I take is a step toward reclaiming my life, one moment at a time.