I have a fairly large extended family, given that both of my parents have siblings, and most of them have kids. Additionally, I have four half-siblings from my father’s earlier relationships. Despite this, I find that I lack a significant connection with my relatives beyond my immediate family.
As a child, my parents often encouraged me to bond with my cousins, who were close in age. While we occasionally enjoyed ourselves, the forced interactions felt unnatural. I eventually let go of those expectations as we grew older.
While many people lament the absence of a close family bond, I’ve come to terms with it. I have a strong aversion to superficial relationships, and the idea of being “close” simply because of shared blood feels inauthentic. I know friends who cherish their tight-knit families, which can indeed seem appealing; however, that closeness often comes with its own set of stresses. Family dramas arise, from disputes over favoritism to disagreements about significant others. It’s much easier to navigate conflicts within a small family unit compared to a larger one, where the dynamics can become overwhelming.
Cultural narratives often suggest that family bonds are the strongest. Television shows like Parenthood depict families gathering regularly for meals, which can evoke a sense of longing—except for me. How do they coordinate such gatherings? And how realistic is it? While they might face challenges, the resolution often comes swiftly, which doesn’t reflect my reality.
Ultimately, family is what you choose it to be—whether through blood or not. In today’s age of social media, it’s easier to stay connected without forming deep emotional ties. For me, the superficial nature of connecting with family online feels more practical, though it can still be awkward. Accepting friend requests from relatives is generally easy, but sometimes it feels forced. For instance, several relatives I hadn’t seen in years reached out to me after my son was born. I accepted some requests during that joyful time but soon felt uncomfortable and unfriended them. Their sudden interest seemed insincere, as it didn’t stem from any prior connection.
Some suggest that I should nurture these relationships for my son’s sake. However, I refuse to pursue connections that never existed when it was just me. Just because there are numerous cousins his age doesn’t mean I owe them access to my child; if their parents didn’t make an effort to be part of my life before, why should I force it now?
I’ve heard comments like, “Our elders must be turning in their graves over our fractured family.” Yet, these same individuals rarely make genuine efforts to include everyone. An invitation to a Sweet 16 party, sent just weeks before the date, feels disingenuous. It’s unfair to invoke deceased relatives as a guilt trip when I learn about family gatherings through social media after the fact.
As I’ve matured, I’ve resolved not to chase anyone for a place in my life, regardless of their familial ties. Some may view this as ungrateful, but if they want to be involved, they’ll need to meet me halfway. I recognize that life can be busy, and I might not always be the best at keeping in touch, but true family won’t mind if I slip up occasionally.
Do I sometimes wish I had a closer bond with more relatives? Certainly. However, I know who genuinely supports me and my son. I’ve built a wonderful surrogate family through friends who will stand by us when we need them, and that’s what truly matters.
In summary, while family connections often come laden with expectations, it’s essential to define those bonds on your own terms. Relationships should not be forced; rather, they should be cultivated with authenticity and sincerity. As you navigate your own family dynamics, remember that it’s okay to prioritize those who genuinely care for you.