In my role managing a university tutoring center, I recently found myself in conversation with a student employee about his aspirations for a future partner. This young man, an athlete in his early 20s from a comfortable background, had a detailed list of qualities he wanted in his future wife. However, as I listened, it became clear that his expectations were perhaps a bit unrealistic—like searching for a mythical creature.
He started with physical attributes, which is common among young men. He envisioned someone who was the perfect height, with the ideal hair color and body shape. He wanted intelligence, humor, and supportiveness, along with shared interests in athletics and video games. Additionally, he hoped for a partner who was nurturing, yet stylish—someone who could juggle her passions with being a great mom.
After he finished outlining his dream woman, I posed a question that caught him off guard: “What happens when she changes?”
He paused. “What do you mean?” he asked, clearly puzzled.
I explained, “What will you do if she becomes more focused on the kids and less on her athletic pursuits? What if she decides to pursue a career instead of gaming? What about when life changes her appearance or lifestyle choices? Will you still love her?”
The silence that followed was telling.
Reflecting on my own 13-year marriage, I couldn’t help but recognize the evolution that both my partner, Sarah, and I have undergone over the years. In my 20s, I likely had a list of my own that mirrored his. Back then, I thought Sarah was the epitome of perfection. Yet, as the years went by, we both changed significantly. I’ve gained weight, tried different careers, and developed habits that might not be charming—like snoring and forgetting to close bathroom doors. Sarah, too, has transformed; she’s adopted a vegetarian lifestyle and gone back to school, not to mention the occasional lack of personal grooming due to the chaos of parenting.
Despite these changes, our love remains strong, even if we occasionally irritate each other. I still remember the day I got caught trying to discreetly wipe a booger on the floor of our car—it was almost a deal-breaker! Yet, we’ve learned to navigate these imperfections together.
As I spoke to my student, I realized I needed to encourage him to adjust his perspective. “It’s perfectly fine to have standards, but what matters more is finding someone with whom you can grow and adapt over time,” I said. “Your partner will evolve, just as you will. Accepting those changes is crucial for a lasting marriage.”
He seemed thoughtful, perhaps beginning to grasp the idea that love isn’t about maintaining a perfect image but rather about embracing each other’s evolution.
For anyone reading this who has been married for a while, you likely understand this reality. The person you fell in love with may not remain unchanged, and that’s okay. It’s a natural part of long-term commitment; accepting each other’s flaws and finding joy in the journey together is what makes it worthwhile. If you’re curious about navigating family planning, you might want to explore resources like this excellent guide on family-building options.
In the end, marriage is about growing together—accepting imperfections and celebrating the journey.