April 2, 2018
Photo by Emily Wright
Today was not a banner day for my parenting skills, and to be honest, I can’t recall a time recently when I felt like I was winning any awards for mom of the year. I often chuckle with friends about our “bad mom” moments—those times we let our kids enjoy cookies for breakfast, indulge in too much screen time, or even toss their homework aside. Typically, I can forgive myself for these slip-ups, confident that I’m doing alright in the grand scheme of things.
However, today, and especially this evening, was not the lighthearted “bad mom” moment I usually laugh off. It turned into one of those nights filled with tears, the kind where I found myself crying in the bathroom after the kids had finally settled down. The day itself had been uneventful, but that dullness escalated into chaos. The kids had been squabbling, refusing to eat the leftovers for dinner, and I had allowed too much screen time, which only added to their restlessness.
I trudged through the familiar routine, managing to get everyone upstairs and into the shower. It reminded me of many evenings when my husband would be late from work, and I would handle everything solo after a long day. My daughter needed assistance with her hair, while my older son was searching for a specific book, and the youngest was adamantly refusing to wear a diaper—all at the same time.
After finally tucking the boys in, my daughter became upset about the time it was taking, prompting me to head to her room. Her baby brother followed, she slammed the door, and he started to cry, forcing me to start the entire process over again. In the midst of this, my older son had climbed into my bed, refusing to sleep anywhere else.
I moved him back to his bed three times before I could finally step into the shower. Exhaustion washed over me, and if I’m honest, I felt utterly defeated. Then, I heard my son’s small voice: “Mommy, the wind is blowing outside and there’s little twigs coming off the trees.”
At that moment, I lost it. “Just go to bed. Somewhere! Anywhere!” I exclaimed. Earlier, I had snapped at my daughter over something trivial, and the only reason I hadn’t raised my voice at the baby was that he was engrossed in a YouTube video about Minecraft (yes, this is a real thing).
In that moment, I was not the Mom of the Year. Instead of finding humor in it, I felt overwhelming sadness. It triggered memories of my husband and what we would have been doing together if he were still with us. I longed for the nights when we would lie in bed after the kids were asleep, sharing our fatigue and laughing at funny videos while staring at the ceiling.
I miss his laughter, the way he interacted with the kids, and even the mundane moments we shared as partners in parenting. Those evenings spent together, where we could simply exist in silence, are what I crave now more than ever.
After showering and brushing my teeth, I resolved to stop crying and headed to bed, only to find my son there. As he opened his eyes and sleepily said, “Hi, Mama. Can I stay here?” I hesitated but eventually gave in. “Okay, baby, just this once.”
It’s not the same as having my husband beside me, but for one night, it’s nice not to be staring at that blank white ceiling alone.
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In summary, navigating the loss of a partner while managing parenting duties can be an overwhelming experience. The loneliness can be profound, but finding small moments of connection with your children can provide comfort during the difficult days.