Recently, my pre-teen daughter planned to spend a whole afternoon with her friends, leaving my 10-year-old son and me home alone. We quickly decided to have some fun together with a 3D puzzle, a movie, and popcorn. It was a perfect day for him—uninterrupted time with me, without having to share my attention with his sister.
Then, a friend of his called and invited him for a playdate. My son hesitated, looked at me with concern, and asked if it would be okay to go. He said, “I don’t want to ditch you, but I really want to play.” I assured him it was fine, and began organizing the details with his friend’s mom.
In many households, this would seem like a routine occurrence—just a kid choosing a friend over a parent. For me, however, it was significant. It felt like a moment to cherish, a reason for me to exhale in relief. This might sound unkind without some context.
My son carries a metaphorical “mom bucket” that needs frequent filling. He craves my attention and connection, both emotionally and physically. Whenever I sit down during the day, he stops what he’s doing to snuggle next to me. Jokingly, I mention carrying him down the aisle, but I worry there might be some truth to that.
I sometimes believe his neediness stems from the upheaval in his life when he was just four years old, making me his only constant. Other times, I think it’s simply his nature. Regardless, he needs that connection to feel secure in a world that can be unpredictable.
The challenge is that I can’t promise him my presence forever and simply send him on his way. While I wish I could, life doesn’t guarantee safety. It’s a tough lesson my kids and I learned a few years back.
Instead, I strive to meet his needs while gently nudging him to explore outside our home. When he hesitates, I don’t force him. My son is quite resolute once he decides something. I believe he’ll venture out when he’s ready. Providing him with a solid foundation gives him the freedom to grow into an independent individual, confident in knowing that he has emotional support to rely on.
This journey can be exhausting and anxiety-inducing. Ultimately, our role as parents is to equip our children with the skills they need to thrive independently, ideally allowing us to cheer them on from the sidelines.
Sometimes, I fear I’m not fulfilling that role. When he turns down birthday invitations or clings to me during school events filled with rambunctious friends, I worry he’s not acquiring the necessary life skills to eventually “leave the nest.” I question whether my approach is correct.
Then came that day when my son chose his friend instead of me. He had a fantastic time, and I unexpectedly gained two hours to catch up on work and reconnect with an old friend. Everyone returned home happy, their emotional buckets filled in different ways. Yes, my son wanted to watch a movie after dinner, curling up beside me like personal space doesn’t exist. Yes, he still needed his “mom bucket” filled, but maybe it was a little less necessary because he had filled another bucket too.
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In summary, my son’s decision to spend time with his friend instead of me was a moment of relief and growth. It showed me that he is learning to navigate friendships while still needing my support, highlighting the delicate balance we strive for as parents.