I have a remarkably talented child. His verbal IQ is an impressive 160. He began speaking long before he learned to walk and could hold a conversation by the age of one. Watching his passion for learning and exploring was a true delight for me as a parent.
My partner and I have never disclosed his IQ or much about his exceptional abilities, aside from informing him that he qualified for advanced classes at school. We made this choice consciously; when he was younger and exceptionally bright, we knew he would share that information, and we didn’t want him to be labeled as “that kid.”
But, he became “that kid.” He had all the answers, excelled in his studies, and was adored by his teachers. Unfortunately, the other students were not as fond of him. Around the age of 11, he experienced a shift. He no longer wanted to be recognized as the gifted child; instead, he yearned to blend in and escape that identity, leading to a gradual decline in his performance.
First, he began “forgetting” to complete his homework, attributing it to his ADHD, which we’ve never used as an excuse. He would lose points for incomplete or careless answers, but he didn’t seem to care. However, those lost points began to accumulate.
I started receiving notes from his teachers saying things like, “He doesn’t appear to care,” or “I know he can do better. This isn’t the child we knew last year.” We had a serious conversation with him, and he had a multitude of excuses: the classes were too challenging, his medication wasn’t effective, the teachers were being dishonest. He blamed everyone but himself. Deep down, we recognized the reality: he had checked out.
His standardized test scores took a nosedive. While these scores aren’t everything, it’s hard not to worry when your child has consistently tested in the 98th percentile and suddenly falls into the 80s. This wasn’t due to a lack of ability; it was purely a lack of effort, which he openly admitted. He was merely filling in bubbles on the test.
He began to struggle in math, a subject that had always been his forte. I soon realized he was attempting to get removed from his advanced algebra class. After discussing it with his teacher, we decided that it was best for him to remain in the challenging course. He needed to start putting in some effort.
Eventually, my partner and I agreed it was time to consult a professional. Our son began seeing a counselor, and I sought insight into his situation. While confidentiality was maintained, the counselor helped us understand that my son desired to be “normal.” He felt different because there were expectations placed upon him that his peers didn’t face. For years, he had been expected to achieve, whether it was reciting the alphabet at 14 months or sharing facts at three. Now, he simply didn’t want that pressure anymore; he preferred to play video games and make TikToks, allowing his academics to fall by the wayside.
The counselor provided us with straightforward strategies. We needed to revert to older parenting techniques and start recognizing the small victories. It was all about positive reinforcement without coming across as insincere; he would see through false praise immediately.
Every day presents a challenge. I often find myself wanting to tell a 13-year-old to get his act together rather than saying, “Nice job on your homework…” which is something he should be doing anyway.
Things are improving; his grades are decent, although not what they once were. However, he has begun to put in some effort again, motivated by the prospect of earning more screen time and staying up later. It’s really quite simple, but it’s effective.
I refuse to give up on him, nor will I let him give up on himself. We’ve had to clarify that while it may not seem important now, what he does at 13 sets the tone for his future academic success, which can impact his career opportunities later on. In a future job, there will be expectations he must meet; he can’t just check out.
Having a gifted child has its advantages and disadvantages. There are times I wish I had approached things differently when he was younger. I wonder if I contributed to his struggles. Did I push too hard? Does he harbor resentment toward me? Yet, I know one thing: he is incredibly bright and has a lot to offer the world.
He doesn’t need to stand out or be superior to anyone else; he just needs to be himself, and that self has plenty to give. I hope that one day he realizes that being gifted is indeed a gift — and that he will utilize it wisely.
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In summary, parenting a gifted child can be a complex journey filled with challenges and rewards. As he navigates his identity and academic expectations, embracing his unique abilities while allowing him to be himself is crucial.