When I was expecting my first daughter at the young age of 17, my only feasible option was formula feeding. It made perfect sense; I was navigating my senior year as a single teen mom while juggling a part-time job as a waitress. Surprisingly, no one seemed to question my choice; perhaps they felt sympathy for my situation, thinking, “As long as the baby is fed, what more can we expect from her?” Looking back, I realize I was let off the hook too easily.
Fast forward a decade. Now married and pregnant again, I have the privilege of a stable career that allows me to work from home, and our financial situation has significantly improved. This is what many would consider an ideal scenario. However, despite having the stability and wisdom that comes with age, I have never felt more scrutinized for one decision: I have chosen to exclusively pump or possibly resort to formula feeding our newborn.
When I decided to try pumping, I felt like I was on top of the world, ready to provide my baby with the prized breastmilk everyone talks about. I would confidently respond, “Yes, I plan to breastfeed, but I’ll be pumping.” Instead of support, I often encountered disappointment or unsolicited advice. “Oh, well, you know…” was the typical response, leaving me feeling like I needed to justify my choice.
Wasn’t I still offering my child the well-regarded breastmilk, even if it came from a bottle rather than directly from me? I felt compelled to defend my choice, but doing so meant exposing my vulnerabilities, which only intensified the judgment from others. So, I fabricated a few convenient reasons for my decision: my husband could help more with bottle feeding, it suited our family better, and it allowed me to monitor our baby’s intake more closely.
The universal reactions were less than understanding. “Breastfeeding is a bonding experience; don’t you want that?” I was baffled. Of course, I wanted to bond with my baby, but just because I chose a different method didn’t mean I was missing out. I had bonded wonderfully with my first daughter, who thrived on her bottle.
Another common piece of unsolicited advice was, “You should just try it; you might regret it if you don’t.” This one didn’t sit well with me either. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I have had significant challenges with certain types of touch. Research shows that many survivors struggle with breastfeeding for various reasons, including feelings of insecurity or PTSD. It’s essential to remember: your body, your baby, your choice.
“It’s the most natural thing in the world,” some would say, even my well-meaning husband. The thought of such a “natural” act made me uncomfortable. What felt less natural was confronting the trauma of my past while trying to nourish my child. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. I had grappled with issues surrounding touch for years, including a brief, guilt-driven attempt to breastfeed my first child in the hospital.
Here I am, a decade later, still wrestling with the chains of my past. The thought of using a pump or letting my newborn latch on fills me with anxiety. But I am making an effort. I want to find a way to navigate my past without letting it overshadow the experience I want to share with my child.
“Just push through; it’s temporary, but the benefits are lasting,” some say. While some women may find a way to persevere through breastfeeding, others shouldn’t be judged for their choices. A comfortable and confident mother is invaluable. It’s essential to prioritize what feels emotionally and mentally safe for both mother and child. The naysayers won’t be there at 3 am while I’m trying to manage my own struggles.
I’m still uncertain about whether exclusive pumping will work for me, but I know my child will thrive regardless of whether she consumes breastmilk. My first daughter is proof of that; she may have her quirks, but they certainly aren’t linked to her feeding method.
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Summary:
The decision to breastfeed can be complicated, especially for those with past trauma. This personal reflection reveals the challenges faced by a mother who, despite her effort to provide breastmilk through pumping, encounters societal judgment and struggles with her history of abuse. It emphasizes the importance of prioritizing emotional comfort and recognizing that every mother’s journey is unique.