I had my expectations, but indifference wasn’t one of them.
Of course, he held our baby, posed for photographs, and smiled down at our little bundle of joy. He changed an occasional diaper and even napped with the baby nestled against him, just like many fathers do. Yet, I couldn’t shake the unsettling thought that my partner wasn’t as enchanted with our child as I was. This planted a seed of worry in my mind—what if he wouldn’t become the kind of dad I had envisioned?
Perhaps it was my own insecurities talking, considering I grew up mostly without a father. I longed for a hands-on dad for my kids, someone who would teach them to ride bikes and take them fishing, imparting those nuggets of wisdom that every child cherishes. My own father had been more of a silent presence than an active participant—just the guy who brought home the bacon, changed light bulbs, and unclogged toilets. Hugs and emotional connection were not in his repertoire.
I had promised myself that my children would have a real dad, one who showed them daily how much they mattered. The kind who was engaged, present, and involved—like the fathers I admired on TV, the ones I always wished I could have had. When I chose my partner, a part of me saw the potential in him to become that incredible father I desired for our future family.
Yet, as I gazed at our newborn son, whom I adored from the very first moment, I noticed my husband’s less enthusiastic demeanor. I was completely smitten, captivated by every detail of our baby’s tiny features. My partner, however, seemed to contribute out of obligation rather than genuine affection.
As the weeks turned into months, my disillusionment deepened. Maybe this was just how men were, or perhaps I had inadvertently repeated my past by choosing someone who mirrored my father’s aloofness. I felt anxious and lost.
But then, around the six-month mark, a transformation occurred. My partner’s relationship with our son began to blossom. He discovered the best ways to elicit laughter from him and reveled in the joy of hearing his baby’s giggles, which mirrored his own. From that point on, they became inseparable, much to my relief. I realized that my husband was simply a late bloomer in this journey of fatherhood. He started to bond with our son when the baby was old enough to respond with smiles and laughter.
In hindsight, it makes sense. Mothers often forge that connection during pregnancy, enduring nine months of physical changes, labor, and the surge of maternal hormones that kickstart the bonding process. Fathers, on the other hand, often feel like observers until the baby can engage back with them. Some dads instantly connect with their newborns, while others take a bit longer to form that attachment. Yet, they often feel pressure not to express their uncertainty—imagine the backlash if they admitted they weren’t quite into their baby yet!
Having gone through the experience of welcoming four newborns together, I’ve noticed a pattern: my partner has always been somewhat distant at first, regardless of the child. He holds them, kisses them, assists with their care, but mostly goes through the motions until they grow a little older and more interactive. It’s a consistent trend; once they gain some sturdiness and personality, his relationship with them flourishes.
I asked him recently why it always takes him time to warm up to our little ones. “Because you can’t wrestle with a newborn,” he quipped.
I think some dads are like caterpillars, cocooned until they finally emerge into the vibrant role of fatherhood. When they do, it’s a remarkable transformation, evolving from mere biological contributors to fully engaged dads who marvel at their children’s growth, offer advice, and share playful moments. They become the loudest cheerleaders on the sidelines.
That’s the husband I have today.
He may have been the last to bond, but he is the first to be there for our kids—always ready to support them, no matter what.
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In summary, while the journey to bonding may take time for some dads, the eventual connection can be profound and transformative.