As a parent, I often find myself reflecting on my choices and wondering if I’m truly doing right by my children. Am I making the best decisions? Am I somehow failing them? Am I a good mom? It’s a common struggle for many of us. Few parents can claim to have had a flawless role model in their own upbringing, and I certainly don’t fit that mold. In fact, my parents were exemplary in demonstrating the opposite of how I want to raise my kids.
From an early age, I began to suspect that my parents didn’t genuinely want children. My arrival was marked by a pregnancy test with two lines at a time that was less than ideal for their relationship and personal lives. I often felt unwanted—not for lack of affection, as I received hugs and “I love you’s” frequently, but because my understanding of love felt more like a sense of obligation. It was as if we were all just coexisting in the same space, rather than truly loving one another.
Their divorce occurred when I was in kindergarten, and despite the reassurances from adults that everything would be okay, I felt a deep-seated understanding that it wasn’t my fault. My parents were simply incompatible; my mother was ambitious yet burdened by stress and anger about her circumstances, while my father harbored grand dreams that he never pursued, often sabotaging his own efforts. Their conflicts were so loud that, during playtime with friends, I would mimic their shouting when pretending to be a mother. To me, yelling was synonymous with family life. Ironically, their divorce was one of the few things they managed correctly.
After the split, my mother gained custody, and my father would intermittently float in and out of our lives, never fully embracing the responsibilities of parenthood. I would often hear my mother’s family criticize him, claiming he didn’t care about us, aside from the fleeting moments when he expected us to greet him enthusiastically during visitations.
My mother’s anger was understandable; her life had veered far from her expectations. She was overwhelmed, raising three children while dealing with substantial debt that my father had left behind, all while trying to complete her degree and build a career. The weight of her pain, which only a mother in her situation could fully grasp, often fell on me.
I admit, being a parent is challenging. I’ve lost my temper with my own children on occasions, and at my worst, I’ve entertained thoughts that make me cringe. However, I consciously choose not to act on those impulses because I understand the impact of such anger.
I remember the confusion and hurt that comes from being told hateful things during seemingly trivial moments, like when a child struggles to get dressed for school. I know the shame of hearing how unloved and unwanted you are. I know what it feels like to carry the weight of your parents’ resentment.
Yet, my parents’ failures taught me invaluable lessons about love and parenting. They made it clear to me how essential it is to openly love your children and ensure they feel cherished. No matter the challenges I face in life, I prioritize showing my kids every day that they are wanted and loved unconditionally. I constantly remind them of my love, not just through words but through my actions.
I want them to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that every sacrifice I make comes from a place of love, not obligation. I chose them, and I am grateful for the privilege of being their mother.
In summary, my parents exemplified what not to do in parenting, which ultimately guided me toward a journey of love and understanding. For more on family planning and fertility, check out our other articles at Make a Mom. For insights on overcoming challenges, consider reading about this couple’s journey. If you’re interested in learning more about pregnancy and home insemination, the CDC offers excellent resources.