Growing up as an only child with a working mother was quite the experience. I vividly recall a summer day when I spent the entire time glued to the TV Guide Channel. Do you remember that? The blue box scrolling through the programming schedule, with a small infomercial screen tucked away in the corner. I seriously watched that channel all day long without moving from the living room or changing the channel. Looking back, I realize how odd that was. But my mom? She didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt.
My mother worked from home long before it became a norm, running a trucking company without the luxury of the internet or a smartphone. I learned early on that even though she was physically present, she was often preoccupied. She was a trailblazer, balancing motherhood with being a CEO in a male-dominated field. Yes, she was there to feed and help me, but she wasn’t there to entertain me. As an only child, I had to figure out ways to keep myself busy. We didn’t live in an area where I could easily play with neighborhood kids, so I often found myself alone. And you know what? My mom never showed any signs of guilt—if she felt it, she hid it well.
Mom guilt (or parent guilt) isn’t a new concept, but it seems our society has become more vocal about it over the years. When did we start to emphasize the necessity of creating enriching and educational activities for our kids? When did parenting become synonymous with entertainment? When did we allow the decision to work or stay at home to weigh us down with guilt? And when did we start feeling selfish for needing time to ourselves? This shift likely began with the rise of social media, and while it’s not groundbreaking, it’s a good reminder.
Mom guilt isn’t just rooted in a single incident. I came across an article where the author likened mom guilt to a bouquet of flowers, with each stem representing a different source of guilt. I really resonate with that analogy.
The first stem of my mom guilt sprouted when my first child was an infant. He didn’t utter his first words until age two, and I faced questions from friends about hiring a speech therapist. Meanwhile, they were enrolling their kids in playgroups and playdates. I wasn’t doing any of that, and it made me question my abilities as a new mom.
Over time, I’ve amassed a whole bouquet of guilt-laden stems: working too much, leaving my job, not having my kids involved in enough activities, having them involved in too many, co-sleeping, breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, inconsistency in nap times, not creating Pinterest-perfect bedrooms, not keeping up with seasonal clothing, excessive screen time, and so on. My bouquet is enormous, heavy, and in dire need of fresh water.
I took to Instagram and asked fellow parents what made them feel guilty. The response was overwhelming, with many parents sharing their struggles.
Here are some common themes:
- Balancing Work and Home Life: This resonated with many. I left my job in the news industry because I felt guilty for not being home, only to feel guilty later for leaving a successful career. Just remember, you’re making the best choices for your family—try to find peace in those decisions. Studies indicate that daughters of working mothers are more likely to advance in their careers, while sons grow up to be supportive partners.
- Prioritizing Self-Care: Taking time for ourselves often ranks high on the guilt list. A few weeks ago, my parents took the kids, and for six glorious hours, I had the house to myself. I savored that time, binge-watching Netflix without touching the laundry. It’s essential to carve out ‘me time’—whether it’s watching TV, taking a long bath, or even just browsing at Target. A well-rested mom makes for a happy mom, and that’s what our kids truly want.
- Not Engaging in Enough Playtime: Reflecting on my childhood, I can count on one hand how many times my mom sat down to play with me. It wasn’t about those moments; it was about how I felt being around her. Kids won’t remember every play session, but they will remember the love and warmth they experienced. Social media can create unrealistic expectations, showcasing parents engaged in elaborate activities. It’s okay for kids to be bored; they have their imaginations to explore.
- Feeling Out of the Club: Some shared their “backwards mom guilt” about not having issues with their kids. If your child is sleeping through the night or is well-behaved, don’t feel guilty about it! Every child has their phases, and if you’re presently enjoying smooth sailing, embrace it.
- Recognizing Individual Journeys: Mom guilt is not a contest. What burdens one parent may not affect another. We’re all navigating this together.
Ultimately, parenting is about finding balance. We often sacrifice parts of our identities to nurture our children, and it’s vital to feel seen and appreciated for our efforts. This is why Mother’s Day holds such significance for us. Feeling valued—as a worker, partner, and parent—bolsters our confidence in the compromises we make. The aspects of ourselves that we may have set aside don’t have to be lost forever.
I hope these thoughts help you manage the weight of your own guilt bouquet. And don’t forget to refresh your water every now and then.
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Summary: This article delves into the overwhelming feelings of mom guilt that many parents face today. Through personal anecdotes and shared experiences, it highlights the various sources of guilt, including balancing work and family, the importance of self-care, and the pressures of parenting. While acknowledging the challenges, it encourages mothers to find peace in their decisions and to recognize the importance of valuing themselves as individuals.