I want to take a moment to appreciate my mother. My two sons are the youngest among her 21 grandchildren, and I’ve never sensed any favoritism in how she interacts with them. If she happens to forget to include a quirky birthday check in one of their cards (she enjoys adding an odd cents amount, like $25.17), she makes a point to acknowledge it with a humorous note in every grandchild’s card throughout the year. For example, she might write: “I forgot to give Frannie a little cash for her birthday, so you get nothing either! Better luck next year!” My mom thinks she’s hilarious, and so do the kids. I know if my dad were alive to meet his youngest grandsons, he would have shared in the laughter and love, treating them just like their cousins without a second thought about their adoption.
In stark contrast, my mother-in-law has never fully accepted my sons. It’s painfully clear that they’ve never ranked among her favorites, and with only nine grandchildren in total, that’s a troubling realization.
My mother-in-law has a narcissistic streak and thrives on the admiration of others. In her adult life, she flaunts her luxury items like Louis Vuitton bags and a Mercedes. With her grandchildren, she impresses them with extravagant trips to Disney, fancy tea parties, and indulgent ice cream outings. However, my sons are not swayed by such superficial gestures. What they yearn for is a grandparent who shows genuine interest in their lives—like their adventures of exploring and collecting odd treasures. Instead, my mother-in-law often interrupts their tales, redirecting the conversation to highlight their cousins’ academic achievements and sports accolades—values held in high regard on her side of the family. For her, my kids seem to exist on the outskirts of the family circle, and she makes thinly veiled comments that underline their differences. “Must be because they’re adopted,” she winks, as if making a joke.
I missed several signs that indicated her lack of enthusiasm for my adopted children. Long before my sons arrived from Korea, she expressed disdain for a local couple who adopted a daughter from China, calling their choice selfish. Her belief was that adopting a child who didn’t resemble the family was an embarrassment, suggesting they should’ve chosen a child with similar features. That mindset predictably extended to us when we decided to adopt. The fact that we were building our family this “non-traditional” way was a topic she preferred to avoid, and any mention of adoption was drowned out by her loud chatter. It felt as though she treated discussions about adopted children as taboo, something to be whispered about, shrouded in secrecy.
I should have known better than to expect her feelings to change; she had ample time to come to terms with her new grandsons before they arrived. I thought perhaps she would warm to them upon seeing their adorable faces, but it was never a moment of instant affection; they were regarded as outsiders from the start.
“My love for all my grandchildren is equal,” my mother-in-law claims. Yet, when it comes to Christmas gifts, the reality tells a different tale. The three other grandsons consistently receive winter coats—sometimes different styles, but always the same color. This tradition, while perceived as silly, symbolizes family unity. The older three often receive nice jackets, while my sons typically end up with whatever-old-man sweater vests, which usually end up gathering dust in a drawer before being donated.
Surprisingly, my sons seem to be gaining some recognition lately, primarily because the other grandchildren have moved away. At my eldest’s high school graduation, my mother-in-law embraced him warmly and tearfully expressed, “I’m so glad you became part of our family.” My husband found her words touching, but I felt differently. My initial reaction was one of irritation, thinking, “Well, it’s a bit late for that.” The word “became” particularly irked me; she could have simply said, “I’m so glad you are part of our family,” which is what she would say to her biological grandchildren.
That specific phrasing revealed her lingering perception of my son as “adopted”—an outsider who had been conditionally welcomed into the family. It became evident that she still struggled to fully accept him, regardless of time passing.
For an insightful read on family dynamics and the unique challenges of adoption, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
If you’re interested in exploring more about family building, you may find this article on male fertility to be informative as well. Additionally, for those curious about alternative family planning methods, you can find helpful information in this other blog post.
Summary
Navigating familial relationships can be challenging, especially when it comes to acceptance within blended families. This article reflects on the author’s experience with a mother-in-law who struggles to embrace her adopted grandchildren, revealing underlying biases and contrasting attitudes towards family. It emphasizes the importance of genuine connection over superficial gestures and highlights the emotional complexities surrounding adoption in familial settings.