In 8th grade, I experienced a shift in my friend group. The girls I used to hang out with suddenly seemed uninterested in spending time with me. I noticed them making plans without me on weekends, and when I tried to join in, I was told it was easier for them because they all played sports together while I didn’t.
I remember sitting at the kitchen table one day while my mom washed the dishes. I finally mustered the courage to tell her how sad I was feeling, as I felt like I was losing my friends. Without even turning around, she replied, “Oh, girls can be silly. You’ll find other friends.” While she might have thought her words were comforting, to me, it felt like my world was crumbling. I questioned if my weight gain or my connection with a girl from art class had driven them away.
This incident was not an isolated one; it was part of a pattern. My mother seemed to regard my problems as trivial, which made me reluctant to approach her for support. Instead, I turned to others—like my 11th-grade English teacher during my struggle with anorexia or my boyfriend during the dark days of high school when I couldn’t get out of bed.
After a painful breakup post-college, I wanted to return home, but I felt more like a burden to her than a child in need. She didn’t grasp the depth of my sadness since it didn’t impact her daily life, and she didn’t have the time to check in on me.
Because of these experiences, I learned to navigate my challenges alone, which had its upsides and downsides. When I became a parent, I promised myself I would never dismiss my children’s feelings. While expecting my first child, a friend shared her own experiences of feeling minimized by her mother over a high school breakup. “All my mom said was, ‘Let him go and move forward,’” she recalled, as if processing her emotions was a sign of weakness.
Now, with three teenagers facing rising rates of anxiety and depression, I understand the temptation to think they have it easier than we did. They don’t have to worry about bills or where their next meal is coming from, leading us to think their problems are insignificant. However, I refuse to express this to my kids because if I do, they will stop confiding in me. They won’t share their worries, big or small, with someone who doesn’t validate their feelings.
It’s crucial to acknowledge that sadness doesn’t always need a clear reason. If you were having a rough day and your partner told you your emotions were unwarranted, it would feel dismissive. This type of toxic positivity doesn’t help anyone. I’ve had days where I felt off or anxious for no apparent reason, and it’s essential for us to normalize that with our kids. It’s perfectly okay to not be okay, even when the cause is unclear.
Factors like hormones, weather, and diet can all contribute to our emotional states, and we shouldn’t shame anyone for feeling off. Instead of making them feel guilty for their feelings about school or social situations, we should take the time to listen. Most people mask their sadness rather than their happiness; it takes effort to pretend to feel something you aren’t.
Having grown up with my feelings dismissed, I know how it can hurt, and I’m determined not to repeat that cycle with my children. Ignoring their emotions won’t make them disappear; it may only amplify them. We must recognize the immense pressure today’s teens face and create a safe space for them to express all their feelings, no matter what they may be.
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Summary: The author reflects on their childhood experiences of feeling dismissed by their mother, which influenced their parenting style. They emphasize the importance of validating their teenagers’ emotions and creating a safe environment for open communication. The piece highlights the rising rates of anxiety and depression among teens and encourages parents to recognize and acknowledge their children’s feelings rather than dismiss them as insignificant.