Reflecting on my journey as a parent, the most significant mistake I made during my first year of motherhood remains a challenge for me even two decades later. I tend to be excessively rigid and tense. Sometimes, I feel as if a spring might just pop out of my head from all the stress.
I married Mark, a laid-back individual who embodies a go-with-the-flow attitude. He rarely shares my worries, especially when our children were young. I was insistent that our kids follow strict schedules for meals and sleep. Establishing regular times for these activities was my only hope for maintaining some semblance of sanity amid the chaos of parenting. Let’s be honest—babies can be overwhelming, and I was exhausted, longing for just a moment of peace.
While Mark worked, I took on the role of primary caregiver at home, handling late-night feedings and diaper changes. This left me feeling irritable and worn out. Sticking to a schedule was my only way of securing a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
As a result, I grew anxious about every social gathering and birthday party invitation. The thought of ensuring the kids were well-fed and rested before leaving the house made me dizzy. I longed for a peaceful family outing, yet I can hardly recall a single calm meal during those years. We could barely sit down at the table before someone needed a diaper change or woke up prematurely from a nap.
Now, looking back two decades later, I see a life spent scheduling our activities to avoid chaos. My days are dictated by the clock; I have no room for flexibility. While I appreciate this structure, I realize it can stifle spontaneity. My kids, despite their occasional grumbling, seem to benefit from it—especially during their busy high school years, and it has helped them manage their time effectively in college and graduate school.
However, not every moment requires a plan. Some of life’s most beautiful experiences are unplanned—moments I likely missed because I felt compelled to stick to a schedule. My rigid mindset often hinders my ability to embrace the delightful surprises that life presents.
I have friends, Lauren and Jake, who became parents later in life. Their inflexibility makes my own tendencies seem relaxed. I can’t help but wonder about the atmosphere in their home, as I know that such rigidity is not something easily toggled on and off; it tends to permeate every aspect of life.
Observing their controlling nature acts as an unflattering reflection of my own struggles. I often think about the times I wish I had let go of my need for control, realizing that my insistence on perfection only added more stress for everyone involved. The pursuit of control is an illusion—one that weighs heavily on a mother’s already tired shoulders.
Now that my children are in their 20s, the consensus at home is that “Mom is so uptight,” which makes me cringe. I still grapple with maintaining a schedule when they visit. I get anxious if we leave without a plan, and the thought of waiting somewhere makes me uneasy, as it disrupts my carefully constructed agenda. I know how I envision our day unfolding, and I resist anything that disrupts that vision. I see traces of this rigidity in my children, a reminder that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I wish I could be more relaxed; my life would be much easier and more enjoyable without my controlling tendencies.
When faced with spontaneous changes—something Mark often embraces that unnerves me—I’m learning to adopt a new perspective. Instead of immediately dismissing last-minute plans, I’m trying to remind myself, “This could be fun.” My goal is to strike a balance between being spontaneous and sticking to a schedule. The first step is to release the need for everything to work out perfectly.
My biggest parenting mistake in those early years? I’m still working through it.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s ongoing struggle with rigidity in parenting. Despite the benefits of a structured schedule, she recognizes the importance of embracing spontaneity and letting go of the need for control. The piece serves as a reminder to find a balance between planning and allowing for life’s unexpected moments.