It’s time to let go, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
By Jamie Parker
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: March 8, 2022
The Shift in Our Relationship
During the pandemic, my four tweens and teens became my closest companions: my walking buddies, co-chefs, my audience for bad jokes, and my dance partners while tidying up. They were my “party” on New Year’s Eve and my Saturday night movie partners. Our family’s entire social life revolved around one another, day and night. We snuggled under piles of blankets, enjoying popcorn and chocolate, creating our cozy cocoon.
Then, one evening last winter, my youngest, who is 11, said he was heading to bed. As I started to get up from the couch to tuck him in, he said, “No, Mom. I’d like to say goodnight here. I don’t want you to tuck me in.” Those three sentences felt more painful than a knife to the heart. My little one, who used to give me sweet goodnight kisses in his bed, instead offered me a fleeting peck on the forehead before rushing upstairs.
That was just the beginning of the heartbreak. A few weeks later, I asked my 13-year-old daughter which movie we would watch that night. With pity in her eyes, she replied, “I’m really sorry, Mom, but I want to FaceTime my friends instead.” She gave me a quick hug before happily dashing up to her room.
The disappointments continued as my children began to re-establish their lives, choosing friends over family and the outside world over our bubble. Don’t get me wrong—I was excited that they could engage in the activities typical for their ages. But inside, it hurt. Where were my little friends going? I understood that it’s natural for adolescents to seek independence from their parents, but knowing that intellectually is different from experiencing it emotionally. It felt like my kids were breaking up with me.
The Reality Check
However, it’s important to remember that it’s not about me; it’s about their growth. The goal of parenting is to nurture our children’s independence so they can eventually stand on their own. Countless hours of effort led to this moment: sleep training, potty training, school separations, swimming in deep water, heading to the store alone, and ordering for themselves at restaurants. We must allow our kids to carve their paths, even when it’s tough for us.
We not only need to let them go, but we also have to manage our feelings about their independence to avoid undermining the hard work we’ve put into raising them. But how do we cope when they request that we stop holding their hands on the way to school? What’s the right response when they want us to drop them off two blocks from their friends? How do we facilitate their independence, especially after the closeness we shared over the past two years, even when it hurts our hearts?
Here are three reminders to help me stay grounded when it feels like my kids are pulling away—ways to remind myself that they are my children, not my peers, while still maintaining a connection without stifling their growing independence.
- Don’t Burden Them with Our Feelings
While it’s natural to feel hurt when our kids become more independent, we must recognize that they are going through a normal and vital stage of development. It’s not fair to make them feel guilty for their healthy growth. For example, when my daughter declines a movie night, I could say, “I’m glad you’re chatting with your friends. Let’s find another time this weekend to watch something together.” - Create New Traditions that Honor Their Independence
Even if our kids are pushing us away, it’s essential to maintain family time because they still need that connection, and we need to keep an eye on their well-being. It’s easy to respond to rejection with, “Fine, if you don’t want me around, I’ll just leave.” Instead, we should find new ways to connect. For instance, I could tell my 11-year-old, “Thanks for sharing how you prefer to go to bed. I’ll miss tucking you in—can we create a new way to say goodnight?” - Use Their Independence as a Learning Opportunity
When our kids begin to express their desire for independence, it’s our role to guide them in articulating those needs constructively. The next phase of their independence involves asking for what they need in thoughtful ways. If they say, “Leave me alone, Mom,” we can help them rephrase it to something like, “Can you drop me two blocks from school? It’s embarrassing to have you walk with me.”
As parents, we’re playing a long game. The greatest indication that we’ve done a good job is when our kids can move away from us. The most rewarding sign of our success is when they choose to come back to us willingly.
For more insights on topics related to this journey, consider checking out this helpful blog post, or visit this authority on parenting for further guidance. Additionally, you can explore this excellent resource on pregnancy.
Search Queries:
- How to cope when kids want independence
- Signs your child is becoming independent
- Creating family traditions with older kids
- Supporting adolescent development
- Parenting strategies for growing children
Summary:
The transition into independence for children can feel like a breakup for parents. The author reflects on the emotional journey of watching her kids favor friends over family, recognizing the importance of allowing them to grow while maintaining connection. She shares three reminders to help parents navigate their feelings and support their children’s movements towards autonomy.