My Journey with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

Adult human female anatomy diagram chart

I struggle with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). My mental health history includes multiple diagnoses from psychiatrists, such as bipolar II, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD. Among these, CPTSD is the most challenging and, at times, I wonder if it contributes to my other conditions. While medications effectively manage my other issues, CPTSD lingers relentlessly. It influences every aspect of my life—from my hairstyle to my diet and even my approach to parenting. It’s an inescapable part of my existence.

I’m making a concerted effort to heal. I have access to dedicated professionals who offer support at any time, including early on weekends. However, the journey to recovery is daunting and requires significant effort. It demands a complete transformation of my life and the rewriting of my personal narrative.

Differentiating PTSD from CPTSD

Many are familiar with PTSD, commonly linked to single traumatic incidents experienced by individuals like soldiers or victims of violence. Symptoms can include flashbacks, avoidance of reminders, changes in beliefs, hyperarousal, and various physical manifestations like nausea.

CPTSD, on the other hand, arises from prolonged exposure to trauma, such as childhood abuse or living in a war-torn environment. In addition to the typical PTSD symptoms, those with CPTSD may experience uncontrollable emotions, altered consciousness, profound guilt or shame, relationship difficulties, and a loss of core beliefs.

I experience every one of these symptoms.

Origins of My CPTSD

My CPTSD stems from years of emotional neglect from my narcissistic mother, a pattern that began at birth and continued for four decades. You might question how a newborn can be neglected, but I was left unnamed for a week because my mother was convinced I would be a boy. Eventually, she named me “Elena” after her mother’s middle name, revealing her spite in the choice.

Throughout my childhood, I was scapegoated, while my brother received all the praise and privileges. I was often criticized and verbally abused, while my achievements went unnoticed. My mental health struggles, including severe anxiety and depression, were ignored, while my brother was rewarded with material possessions.

Approaches to Treating CPTSD

CPTSD treatment typically involves talk therapy. Some opt for cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on identifying and replacing negative thoughts, often supplemented by antidepressants such as SSRIs. My therapy, however, revolves around trauma-focused techniques. Through conversations about my experiences, we explore the beliefs and feelings tied to them. For instance, I battled anorexia during my teens, and though I’ve made progress, disordered eating still affects me.

Three years ago, my mother relocated to my area, sparking deeper reflections on my past.

Healing Journey

I am currently estranged from my mother, a decision that arose from a series of revelations about my past. Through therapy, I am learning to assert my own choices—changing my hair, experimenting with new foods, and discarding items that remind me of old patterns. The journey is about recognizing that healing often involves small, yet significant, steps.

I’ve realized that many of my preferences, such as a dislike for certain foods, stem not from my own tastes but from a desire to gain my mother’s approval. I’m working to untangle these ingrained responses and reclaim my identity.

I acknowledge that trauma is a part of me, but it also has shaped my empathy and compassion for others. Sharing my story may resonate with someone else, helping them feel less isolated in their struggles. My goal is to learn not just to survive my trauma but to thrive beyond it.

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In summary, CPTSD is a complex condition that affects my everyday life in profound ways. My journey of healing involves understanding my past and reclaiming my identity, supported by professional therapy. It’s a challenging path, but one that I am committed to navigating.