Last year, I found myself in a harrowing situation that led me to the emergency room for help with suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviors. The lead-up to that moment was a whirlwind of stress and overwhelming emotions. My husband, Jake, and I had recently moved across the country with our two young children, seeking a more affordable lifestyle and the support of family. However, the transition was anything but smooth.
As we prepared to catch a flight to the East Coast, I was battling a severe panic attack, triggered by the immense pressure of packing and parenting without any assistance. My husband was preoccupied with work, and with a long to-do list swirling in my mind, I felt utterly defeated. In a moment of despair, I locked myself in the bathroom, where I experienced a panic attack so intense that I ended up on the floor, surrounded by chaos.
Despite my emotional turmoil, we had a flight to catch, and I was determined not to miss it. I eventually pulled myself together, but the relief of moving back home did not alleviate my PTSD symptoms. In fact, the situation worsened considerably, especially after two young people I cared about revealed they were struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. This news hit me hard, stirring up my own unresolved feelings.
In that moment of vulnerability, I realized I needed to take my own advice and seek help. One particularly stressful morning, while Jake was driving me to work, I felt the familiar tremors of panic take over. I broke down and asked him to take me to the nearest ER for psychiatric evaluation. Despite the presence of our children, I knew I couldn’t face this alone and insisted he stay by my side.
Walking into the hospital, my four-year-old daughter held my hand, providing a warmth that contrasted sharply with my internal chaos. The ER staff began asking me about my mental state, and I answered honestly, admitting to suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviors. As I waited for help, I was struck by the vulnerability of sharing my story with strangers, something that often deters people from seeking necessary support.
After a lengthy period of waiting, I was seen by a mental health clinician. I had to reiterate my painful history multiple times, which, surprisingly, brought me a sense of calm. It became clear that I was in a safe environment, where I could finally share my burdens and not carry them alone. Ultimately, I opted for outpatient treatment and scheduled follow-ups with a new therapist and psychiatrist.
Despite my efforts, I fell back into self-harming behaviors soon after. Fortunately, Jake was there to intervene, and I reached out to a crisis hotline for support. This experience marked a turning point for me. Though I had always feared medication, I recognized it might be necessary for my healing journey. After my ER visit, I began antidepressants, which, combined with therapy, proved lifesaving.
While I still experience some PTSD symptoms, the thoughts of self-harm and suicide have diminished significantly. This past year has been one of the toughest yet; however, it has also been transformative. I’ve come to understand that the trauma I endured in my childhood was not my fault. I’ve learned to challenge the shame that once governed my actions and to embrace the support around me.
Finding Resources and Support
It’s crucial for everyone to know that psychiatric emergency rooms are available for those in crisis. You are not alone, and your trauma does not define you. There is hope even in the darkest times, and resources are available for those seeking help. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, please remember that you are an essential part of this world. Lean into your healing, and you might just find the strength to help others in their journeys as well.
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Conclusion
In summary, I encourage others to seek help when needed and to understand that healing is possible. We are all deserving of support, love, and a life free from the shackles of trauma.