By: Samantha Lee
Updated: April 8, 2021
Originally Published: March 30, 2018
Individuals who successfully raise well-mannered children often seem to be those who are childless. You can spot them easily—they lack the telltale signs of parenthood, like dried food on their clothes or the remnants of a toddler’s latest artistic endeavor in their hair.
Before I became a parent, I confidently considered myself a child-rearing authority. Below are some of my “expert opinions” juxtaposed with the reality I’ve encountered:
-
Public Behavior:
I was certain my children would never act out in public. By “act out,” I meant they wouldn’t have tantrums resembling a scene from a horror movie in the cereal aisle. Yet, when the inevitable fits do occur, I find myself awkwardly asking strangers if the screaming children belong to them or whispering to nearby shoppers, “I’m just the babysitter.” On occasion, I even applaud my kids’ impressive contortions as they throw themselves on the floor.
-
Fashion Choices:
I swore I would never leave the house looking unkempt. Yet, here I am, frequently forgetting to brush my hair or apply makeup. I may not always care about my appearance, but I assure you, pants remain a staple. You’re welcome for that.
-
Nutrition Standards:
I once believed my children would eat healthily. However, my toddlers’ picky eating habits have turned meals into a battlefield. If they opt for chicken nuggets over green beans, it’s a small victory worthy of a celebration. Gummy vitamins have become my guilt-free fallback.
-
Household Chaos:
My home resembles a scene from a toy explosion. Cleaning while kids are awake feels like trying to tidy up after a food fight with a blender still running. The only way my house will ever be orderly is if it miraculously combusts.
-
Timeliness:
I thought I would always be punctual. However, the slowest my children move is when we have a commitment. As they race around the house, seemingly fueled by an energy source unknown to adults, time seems to reverse when we need to leave. The struggle to get them dressed is real, as coats become hats and shoes find their way to their ears.
-
Negotiation Skills:
I promised I’d never negotiate with my children. However, I’ve discovered that a little negotiation can be quite effective. If my daughter, Lucy, wants ice cream, she knows she must finish her chicken nuggets first. It’s all about incentives—or perhaps bribery. Tomato, tomahto.
-
Screen Time Restrictions:
I vowed to limit my children’s screen time. Yet, during particularly challenging winters, the TV becomes a lifesaver. It’s a magical device that grants me at least 15 minutes of peace—a much-needed reprieve for my sanity.
-
Frustration Levels:
I told myself I would never get annoyed at my children. Sometimes, I even play a hidden game of hide-and-seek, cleverly concealing myself in places they would never think to look, such as the laundry dryer, where I indulge in secret snacks.
-
Travel Plans:
I believed parenthood wouldn’t hinder my desire to travel. However, even a trip to the local store requires more preparation than an expedition. If early settlers had toddlers, they’d likely have made it only as far as Ohio—after one child had a meltdown over a forgotten toy.
-
Listening Skills:
I was convinced my kids would listen to me. In reality, early childhood development seems to include the ability to hear but not to listen. My commands often go unheard until I’m practically shouting, resembling an auctioneer at full volume.
Becoming a parent is a humbling experience, challenging your patience, character, and resilience. Perhaps surviving in the Alaskan wilderness while being pursued by wolves would be easier than navigating parenthood—but at least the wolves wouldn’t be leaving boogers in my hair.
For more insights into parenting and fertility, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and learn about fertility boosters for men in our blog post on fertility boosters. If you’re curious about sperm preservation, this guide on freezing your sperm is also worth a read.
Summary:
Navigating parenthood has transformed my pre-parenting beliefs into humorous realities. From public tantrums to chaotic households, the journey has taught me that being a parent is both challenging and rewarding. Embracing the messiness of parenting has not only reshaped my expectations but also shown me the joys and challenges of raising children.