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My Husband Could Use a Little More Adventure (And Yours Might Too)
by Jamie Reynolds
Updated: June 2, 2019
Originally Published: July 4, 2017
My husband is pretty amazing in so many ways. He’s a devoted and caring father. He’s a supportive and loving partner. He’s a hardworking and dedicated professional. Plus, he’s a loyal friend. But here’s the kicker: these days, he hardly sees his friends, and that genuinely concerns me.
As women and mothers, we often highlight the importance of friendships. We rave about girls’ nights out and encourage each other to shake off guilt when we steal away for a weekend with pals. Like any other busy parent juggling commitments, I’m swamped with baseball practices, homework battles, and the occasional skirmish over the Xbox. There are days when I don’t interact with anyone over the age of 10.
Yet, somehow, I still prioritize my friendships. Yes, most of my communication happens via long text threads, and I miss my distant friends fiercely at times. But I still manage to stay connected. Working from home allows me to sneak in lunch or coffee dates with friends, and weekends often afford me the chance to indulge in a mani-pedi with a buddy. My social life might not be overflowing, but the quality of my friendships makes up for that.
My husband, however, doesn’t share that same luxury. He’s an outgoing guy, with a circle of friends he genuinely misses. He thrives on social interactions and enjoys meeting new people. While he has friends across the country, many of his closest pals live far away. With the demands of work and family life, he finds little time for those who are nearby.
He’s not alone in this struggle. A dad named Mike Sullivan recently penned a relatable piece in the Boston Globe about the challenges of maintaining friendships: “I have a wife and two young boys. I moved to the suburbs a few years ago, where I own a house that could use a facelift, complete with aging vehicles and snack remnants scattered about. I sometimes joke that I’ve morphed into a sitcom dad, especially when I step on a Lego at night.”
That description could easily apply to our life. Two kids? Check. A home that isn’t winning any beauty contests? Check. Crushed snacks and Lego hazards around every corner? Double check. (Though we only have one minivan instead of two old cars, but you get the point.)
What unites parents today is a shared reality: we are all incredibly busy. We’re trying to balance work deadlines, soccer practices, and the occasional bout of illness. In the chaos, friendships often fall to the wayside.
The reasoning is clear. Our children need us in ways that friends don’t. And with the pressure of work to maintain our livelihood and a marriage to nurture, our attention naturally gravitates to those responsibilities. Friends? Well, they can often be put on the back burner. That’s part of the beauty of friendship — it can sometimes run on autopilot.
However, the reality is that friendships are essential for our wellbeing — both mentally and physically. Research shows that loneliness and social isolation can significantly increase health risks, including heart disease and stroke. One study even revealed that feeling lonely may be as harmful as smoking.
I can hear the rebuttals: “That won’t affect me; I’m not old yet.” But let’s be honest — we’re older than we might think. Ignoring friendships now can have lasting impacts down the road. This isn’t a dilemma exclusive to men; women also face significant mental and physical repercussions from loneliness. But in these mid-life years, it can be especially challenging for men to maintain friendships. While I can connect with my best friend through ongoing texts or sporadic calls, men often require shared activities to build and sustain bonds.
Unfortunately, finding those shared moments can be tough when both parties are preoccupied with kids or work commitments. Mike Sullivan points out, “In midlife, those opportunities to connect often fall away. When there’s a gap in the schedule, you hesitate to leave your partner to manage the chaos alone. Plus, the guys you want to hang out with are usually in the same boat. Planning outings takes effort, and it’s easy to let it slide.”
Recently, I shared Mike’s article with my husband during a long drive; I found myself choking back tears. This is our reality. He deserves more than what he’s currently experiencing. My husband is genuinely a fantastic person — selfless, easygoing, and funny. He’s a dedicated father and a better partner than I ever imagined. I know he misses his friends, just as I miss mine, but his time is often consumed by work and family obligations, leaving little space for friendships.
“You should make plans to hang out with your buddies or your brother,” I suggested after finishing the article. “Join a bowling league or something regular. You deserve it. Don’t worry about us; we’ll manage.”
He nodded, perhaps in agreement or maybe just resigned to the fact that a weekly outing might not happen. He’s busy, and so are his friends. He works long hours and misses his kids when he’s away, which makes him reluctant to add another night out.
But here’s the truth: I genuinely don’t mind when my husband spends time with his friends. In fact, I enjoy it! He comes home happier, and I get to unwind with a good book or indulge in a cheesy rom-com without any eye rolls. It’s also important for our kids to witness their dad nurturing friendships; it teaches them about the value of self-care. The irony is that my husband, who is so committed to family time, often struggles to carve out time for his friends.
Perhaps he just needs a little nudge. Maybe it’s my role to gently encourage him to step out the door now and then. Perhaps we all need to give our partners — regardless of gender — a little push to spend time with friends. It’s beneficial for everyone involved. Not only does it promote health, but it also grants us guilt-free time to enjoy our own friendships.
For more information on navigating friendships during parenting, check out this article on couples’ fertility journeys. Additionally, if you’re interested in understanding more about fertility treatments, Letrozole is worth a look. And for those expecting or trying to conceive, the NICHD has plenty of resources on pregnancy.
In summary, while we juggle the demands of family and work, it’s crucial to prioritize friendships. Encourage your partner to step out and socialize — it’s beneficial for their well-being and yours too.