By: Lila James
Updated: May 27, 2020
Originally Published: July 30, 2018
Trigger warning: child loss
From a young age, I always dreamed of having a daughter. After losing my mother, I yearned for that special bond once again. When my first child, my little light, came into the world, I was overwhelmed with a love I never knew existed. This daughter inspired me to strive for better, to be the best version of myself.
Then came the surprise of my son. Growing up with two sisters, I was unprepared for the joy that a little boy could bring. His playful energy captured my heart. Those cherished snuggles were blissful — until they vanished, leaving only memories of my precious angel boy. Losing a child is a heartbreak no one anticipates.
Throughout this challenging journey, love and hope became our lifelines. With both in abundance, we welcomed two beautiful rainbow babies into our lives. I recognize how fortunate I am to have these little ones. I want to share my truths with you.
Having a rainbow baby doesn’t signal the end of my grief. In fact, it has intensified. Each day, as my rainbows grow, I am reminded of the child I lost. I hold them close, aware that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
A rainbow doesn’t erase the memory of my angel son. He remains an integral part of our family. We celebrate his birthday and include him in our holiday traditions. While some may see a family of five, in our hearts, we will always be a family of six.
Please don’t shy away from mentioning my angel son. He played a significant role in our lives, and his memories deserve to be honored alongside those of his siblings. I welcome stories and conversations that keep his spirit alive.
Just because I have rainbows doesn’t mean I’ve moved on. My life is divided into “before” and “after.” I feel trapped in the middle, longing for the past where my son existed while also embracing the hope that my rainbows bring for the future.
Having a rainbow doesn’t mean my angel son has been replaced; he holds a unique place in our family. Although we’ve added to our lives, the space for him remains, like a puzzle piece that will forever be missing.
Despite the joy my rainbows bring, I still need your support. Navigating parenthood after loss is daunting. Trusting life again after experiencing such profound sorrow is challenging, and each day brings its own anxieties.
Just because I have a rainbow doesn’t mean I’m okay. I wrestle daily with the loss of my son, a grief that has reshaped my identity as a parent and individual.
Having a rainbow means I cannot return to who I once was; a part of me will always be fractured. Our rainbows enrich our lives with joy, but they do not erase the storm we endured.
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In summary, the journey through grief is unique and ongoing, especially after the loss of a child. While rainbow babies bring hope, they coexist with the memories of what was lost, ensuring that love and remembrance endure.