You find yourself in a relationship that starts off wonderfully, but before long, you’re bombarded with constant criticism and subtle digs from your partner. Self-doubt creeps in, leaving you unsure about what’s true. You strive to improve things, yet nothing seems to change. The relentless criticism continues, and you start to feel as though you’re losing your grip on reality.
But you’re not losing your mind; your partner is gaslighting you, which is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse.
Psychology Today defines gaslighting as “a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and ultimately lose her or his own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.”
A dear friend of mine, Sarah, was married to someone who was a master of gaslighting. During a week-long visit, I witnessed firsthand how her confidence was systematically shattered, often reducing her to tears. In that time, he labeled her as crazy, confused, and immature, all while I was present. When I questioned her about his behavior, she brushed it off as if it were no big deal. It was heartbreaking to see a brilliant and accomplished woman convinced of her own inferiority compared to her husband.
One evening at dinner, while discussing politics, her spouse interrupted, declaring, “You’re both in over your heads. You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” When he began to mansplain the topic, I interjected, “You don’t need to explain anything to me. Feel free to be quiet if you disagree.” He dismissively waved his hand and left the room in a huff.
After enduring this for ten years, Sarah finally decided to divorce him.
Recognizing Gaslighting
Gaslighting operates insidiously; it often takes time to recognize what’s happening, especially for women who are conditioned to prioritize their partners’ needs. We’re taught to smooth over conflicts, which is why gaslighting may initially feel like a minor issue rather than emotional abuse. We end up convincing ourselves that we need to work harder in the relationship, often overlooking our own feelings.
It can start in subtle ways: your partner might frequently call you foolish. When you express that it hurts, he might respond that you’re being overly sensitive. Such exchanges lead us to question our emotions. Are we too sensitive? Do we need to toughen up? Instead of examining our partner’s behavior, we internalize the blame.
Gaslighting can escalate. Your partner might label you as crazy or claim he’s confused by your statements. Recognize that he’s attempting to deflect from your concerns by dismissing them and destabilizing your sense of self. He wants you to feel like the problem. If you raise issues about his behavior, he might say something like, “Why do you make everything such a big deal?” or “You need to calm down.”
In these moments, many women prioritize conflict resolution over their own feelings. We’re often conditioned to apologize, even when we haven’t done anything wrong, because we think it will ease the situation. We’re willing to shoulder the blame just to return to a state of normalcy, even if it means sacrificing our happiness. Remember, your feelings are valid. If your partner dismisses them, he is the one who has the problem, not you.
Trusting Your Emotions
You don’t need to label your experience as gaslighting to recognize your feelings. Simply acknowledge how you feel and accept that these emotions are not being validated in your relationship. You cannot force your partner to listen; you can only communicate your feelings. If he continues to ignore them, it’s time to seriously evaluate the relationship’s worth.
Stay attuned to your emotions. Don’t let your partner dictate how you feel. He might be trying to instill self-doubt in you, suggesting that everything would be fine if only you changed. But that’s a false narrative. Healthy relationships require communication, compromise, and respect—none of which align with gaslighting.
Ask yourself: during discussions, do you feel heard? Is your partner listening, or does he interrupt and dismiss your concerns? If you find yourself making all the sacrifices to keep things afloat, consider how that impacts your well-being. A relationship cannot thrive when only one person is committed to its success.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if you or someone you know is grappling with the effects of gaslighting, it’s crucial to seek support and prioritize emotional health. For further insights on emotional well-being, you might find this resource on maternal health helpful. For those interested in pregnancy, this link to in vitro fertilization offers excellent information. And if you’re curious about at-home insemination options, check out this guide on artificial insemination kits.