After my spouse moved out, I hesitated for nearly seven months before trying out a dating app. The thought of seeking a partner as a mother in my forties was daunting, a far cry from my twenties.
As I navigated this new terrain, I quickly realized it was going to be more challenging than I’d anticipated. While overcoming my insecurities was tough, the real difficulty lay in the attitudes of the men I encountered. Many of them had already lived rich lives, and I sought companionship with someone closer to my own age, which meant dating those who had experienced long-term relationships.
Much like the men I dated, I had become set in my ways. This isn’t inherently negative; however, I recognized that my marriage had shaped me significantly. In my twenties, I believed I had it all figured out, only to realize how much I would evolve through my experiences.
Dating Challenges
One of my initial dates was with a man recently divorced. He spent our time together lamenting about how his ex-wife was “demanding too much alimony,” which complicated his dating life. I listened for a while before redirecting the conversation. I knew this relationship wouldn’t work out after he made multiple insensitive remarks about how unfair it was for him to pay her when “she didn’t work” and merely “took care of the kids.”
Excuse me? I was that woman too—the one who “didn’t work” for most of my marriage. While my ex-husband put in long hours at work, I managed our home and cared for our children. I handled everything from cooking and cleaning to carpooling and managing appointments, ensuring he could focus on his career.
I took pride in my role as a mother and homemaker. We had agreed upon this arrangement before marriage, and I fulfilled my side of the deal wholeheartedly.
The Importance of Alimony
I consider myself fortunate that my ex-husband pays me alimony without complaint. He recognizes that a woman often serves as the backbone of the household. He understands that my lack of outside employment allowed me to dedicate myself to our family.
To all the men who feel resentful about paying alimony, it’s essential to understand that alimony is determined by each individual’s earnings to ensure fairness after a relationship ends, regardless of whether one worked outside the home or not.
While I understand that not everyone receives alimony, those who do should feel entitled to it—there should be no guilt involved. I encountered more men like the one I just described; one lawyer I dated briefly only saw his kids twice a month because he moved out of state and complained about alimony during our first meeting. Another man boasted about paying his ex-wife alimony while revealing he cheated on her.
Breaking the Stigma
The stigma surrounding alimony is frustrating. Many men feel they shouldn’t have to pay their ex-wives, regardless of how their marriages ended. The reality is that women often spend more time with the children, and child support alone rarely covers all expenses. We handle meals, shopping for clothes, and driving—essentially, we manage the bulk of parenting responsibilities.
If you are receiving alimony, you deserve it. It’s no one else’s concern. If you find yourself on a date with someone who starts complaining about their alimony situation, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself. You don’t need to waste your time.
For more insights on navigating relationships and parenting, be sure to check out one of our other blog posts.