My daughter exhibits what I refer to as emotional martyrdom. She often sacrifices her own feelings and desires to please others or to sidestep conflict. While she doesn’t always act this way—like when we debate dinner choices and she prefers pasta but settles for wings because the rest of us want that—her assertiveness seems limited to her cravings for carbs.
Her tendency to suppress her own needs is especially evident in her interactions with her older brother, Ethan, who has ADHD. Due to his impulsivity, he frequently faces reprimands. Whenever we’re running late because he’s dawdling or he forgets his chores, it’s my daughter who ends up apologizing. She feels anxious when I raise my voice or lecture, often making excuses for him or absorbing blame herself. She might claim we’re tardy because of something she did, like searching for her shoes—even when it’s not true.
Similarly, when my kids announce they’ve finished their chores, I always double-check their work. Recently, I praised them for a job well done; even the family room was tidy, with blankets folded and remotes charging. I hadn’t asked them to do any of that! However, a few days later, I learned that my daughter had cleaned under Ethan’s desk—something that had never been done before. She was worried about him getting in trouble, so she did his work for him. Despite her distaste for bathroom cleaning, she ended up doing most of the household chores while he only managed the bathroom.
This revelation led to a serious discussion about boundaries. I spoke with my daughter about the importance of not doing others’ tasks, while I addressed Ethan on the wrongness of taking advantage of her good nature. I grounded him for a day and assigned him extra chores. Yet, afterward, my daughter felt guilty about the situation. It seems like a no-win scenario for me.
My daughter’s emotional martyrdom extends beyond sibling dynamics; I’ve seen it manifest in other areas of her life. During family game nights, she often relinquishes her preferences to keep the peace. She has shared stories of similar behavior on the playground, opting to avoid arguments by giving up what she desires. Whenever tension arises, she tends to back down, her anxiety palpable as she seeks to maintain harmony within the group. She wants everyone to be happy, but the cost is her own happiness and desires.
Her behavior surpasses mere people-pleasing, and I worry about the implications. In a society where women still face inequality and are often expected to bear the emotional workload, I want my daughter to feel empowered to assert her needs. I don’t want her to apologize for things that aren’t her fault or to smile just to comfort others. I hope to guide her away from internalizing the emotional burdens of those around her.
I am doing my best to instill in her a sense of self-worth, consistently reminding her that her needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. When she shrinks back, I encourage her to speak up and assert herself. I’ve provided her with books about strong women and strive to model assertiveness, even as I wrestle with my own anxieties regarding confrontation—a struggle I suspect she inherited from me.
I am determined that my daughter learns to stand firm for her beliefs and desires. I want her to feel entitled to her own happiness without guilt. I see glimpses of her absorbing these lessons, showing strength in small ways when she feels secure. Together, we are on a journey of growth.
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Summary:
This article discusses the author’s concern about her daughter exhibiting emotional martyrdom, often compromising her own needs to please others, particularly in her relationship with her brother. The author is determined to empower her daughter to assert herself and prioritize her own happiness while navigating the complexities of familial dynamics and societal expectations.